By the writers of The Pittiful News
- “If I just leave without paying will I go to jail”
- “I have a bladder issue” the customer then proceeded to talk about her extensive list of surgeries she had had over the past 5 years in excruciating detail
- “Crazy times out there” *chuckle*
- “My wife left, do you know what aisle the singles are in?” (no laughter accompanied his question btw)
- “You’re a baby” (upon hearing that I am 19 years old)
- “Can I jump to the front of the line? I left my kid in the car and it’s a scorcher out there today.”
- “The coin shortage is all a revenge plot constructed by the Democrats”
- A man rambled to me for about 20 minutes about his experiences being a travelling panhandler while I made his latte and didn’t hear a single word he said
- “So like, what does this drink do? Is any of that stuff even good for you?”
- “Why do you make your store so frustrating to shop at?”
- “Did you guys already put the 5G in the bathrooms? Because my arm is tingly.” (the man was later ushered out by an ambulance, as he was suffering a heart attack.)
- “Oh, you dropped out of Pitt’s Japanese program because it was hard? My daughter majored in it, she thought it was easy.”
- “I have a gun”
- “Are you in college? Where do ya go? Oh Pitt? Yeah its good. I went to Penn State.”
- “How ‘bout them cowboys?”
- I helped a woman bring a box to her car and the whole entire time she was telling me about her dead husband, once I got her to her car she tipped me 50 dollars
- The box I was carrying contained her husband’s ashes and some of his items
- One time I watched an old man pull his mask down to lick his fingers to hand me his money. In the middle of a pandemic.
- “Are you one of Jessie’s friends? They’re always chatting on their phones.”
- “[Statement has been redacted for being extremely racist AND zenophobic. I love Pennsylvania.]”
- “Masks can’t save use, only the grace of god can, it sucks that I killed Zeus last year or maybe he could help”
- “Is mayonnaise and instrument”
- “If I die young, bury me in satin, lay me down on a bed of roses, sink me in the river at dawn, send me away to the words of a love song”
- The customer was Kimberly Perry
- “Hello ma’am, are these mashed potatoes on sale” “Sir, those are Essence magazines, not mashed potatoes” “Oh, ok, thank you for your help” “Sir, I see you putting the magazines into your pants, sir you can not leave the store, Sir…”
- (An old man probably over 60) “I like your little braids. Do you have brothers? I bet they like to tug on them.”
- “You look like Taylor Swift”
- “You look like Emma Stone”
- (this guy was clearly 2 kids stacked on top of each other in a trench coat) “Hello, we would like to buy your finest expired grape juice” (second smaller voice)”it is called wine” (first voice again) “*clears throat* *lowers voice* i mean wine, 2 wine please”
The Pitiful News 