By Ella Mizera
The autumn breeze has begun to set in, and in this period of transition it’s always helpful to keep an eye on the future.
Aries: You will reminisce on the futility of life this week, just as you have every other week this year. You can find an answer, but it will involve going to the Dunkin’ Donuts on Forbes and asking for Jim.
Taurus: Try using conditioner before shampoo. This isn’t a metaphor, I just want to know what happens if you do that.
Gemini: Your scrapbooking hobby will take a turn for the gruesome, so make sure to freshen the air before your roommate comes back and asks you why the room smells like blood.
Cancer: That window doesn’t lead outside. I don’t know where it goes, but it isn’t where you think it goes based on Euclidean geometry. Maybe that’s where they keep the frozen corpses of our previous deans?
Virgo: Have a friend over for dinner. Also, the meaning of life is written on page 42 of the closest textbook. I know, it’s weird.
Libra: Bernie Sanders will appear to you in dreams, asking for a sacrifice. What he asks of you is entirely dependent on your relationship with your mother.
Scorpio: What if my dog is just an ambulating mass of bees wearing a dog suit for Halloween? What if yours is too?
Sagittarius: The next few days will be hard. Substantially harder, as if they were somehow more solid than the last. Enjoy your liquid days while they last, for the freezer of God is merciless.
Capricorn: It’s time that we started going back to geocentrism, and you are the perfect leader for this intellectual uprising. Show NASA what’s up.
Aquarius: Throw a dart at the map. Wherever the dart lands, an unwitting animal will gain the ability to speak. It will revere you as a god, but you will never meet it. At least, I hope not.
Pisces: Eating a sticker seemed like a good idea at the time, I know, but what you didn’t foresee is that the adhesive would bind to the roof of your mouth. Please let me know if you’re okay.
Ophiuchus: You’ll fall in love.
The Pitiful News 
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