By The writers of The Pittiful News
- Learn how to write
Acquire a group
- it is fine if you have to kidnap people
groups can be made up of:
Manifestations of your exponentially increasing loneliness
People! (Minus babies. Abolish babies)
- Make sure the other group members know how to write
(Very hard) Come up with an idea for a group article.
- For example: an article about how to write a group article
Always find a way to incorporate a dick joke. They just elevate
the entire thing.
- Overshare about your long and hard life story
- Cry a little bit.
- Control + Shift + 7
Make sure your glasses are clean. You need to be able to see the
Make sure the camera on your laptop is clean. The group article
needs to be able to see you!
Question your entire worth and ability to be funny. Have a crisis
about the fact that you will be unemployed after college because you decided to
major in English. You stupid piece of shit. Your sister goes to Johns Hopkins
for chemical engineering. You’re paying thousands of dollars to analyze the
green light in Great Gatsby. Who is gonna hire you for that? Nobody, you idiot.
- Cry a little bit more.
- Buy graph paper, you will need this later
Make a bunch of matching shirts for you and your group to
establish to onlookers that you are all a part of the same group who is writing
an article together.
- Check twitter 13 times for inspiration
Challenge other members of your group to a joust and see who comes
out victorious, this is how the Pittiful News does elections
Watch the entirety of the Bill and Ted’s Excellent Cinematic
Universe to put yourself in the mood to write some jokes.
Drunk call someone you’re secretly in love with just to feel
It’s great for inspiration.
Sleep with at least two people in said group to create some drama.
- Write about said drama.
- This is a real occurrence, it happened 3 years ago
- Read some of your favorite articles to remind yourself that you will never create anything as good and you will amount to nothing.
- Eat lunch
- Eat breakfast
Please follow steps 21-23 in that exact order, otherwise there may
be ill effects
- Please follow steps 21-23 in that exact order, otherwise there may
- Get baptized
- Get circumsized
- Get bar mitzvahed
- Meet a nice Jewish boy, or nice Jewish girl, or nice Jewish enby.
- Dump their ass
Leave town. Buy a new passport with a fake name from a man in a
dark alleyway. Pack nothing but a cigarette and a pack of gum. Move to a remote
island somewhere in vague Europe. You’re a new person now. Start over. Create a
Fall in love with the store owner across the street but never reveal
who you really are until it’s been 50 years and you’re on your deathbed. Make
sure to take notes on what you observe during this to use for your article!
Send the notes to your group. Die.
Buy a ticket for Israel, 2 bottles of water for the way, and you
sure do have some sweet company oh were leaving next week what do you say, when
we’re gone when we’re gone, your gonna miss us when we’re gone, you’re gonna
miss us by our smiles you’re gonna every mile oh your gonna miss us when we’re
One hop this time, 2 hop this time, hands on ya knees hand on ya
knees etc. https://www.wikihow.com/Do-the-Electric-Slide
- Cry for the last time before you actually start writing something.
- Actually start writing the group article.