By Tyler Sikov
As we all know Tax Day is later this week, so I thought I would tell you how I evade taxes to help you out maneuver the IRS (I REALLY SUCK):
- Pretend you make no money, they will then pay you money, now you have double money
- Steal, like anything, if you steal it you don’t pay taxes on it
- Bribe a home inspector to evaluate your home very low so you have low property taxes
- Kidnap an IRS worker’s family, then they will be forced to allow you to not pay taxes because you now need money to take care of their family
- Murder
- “Move to Venezuela”
- Start a non-profit, then claim all money as income tax because 501c3 non-profits do not pay income taxes
- Claim other people’s kids as your dependents
- Anything from this list https://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-utl/tax_crimes_handbook.pdf
- Juggle knives, you might be thinking that this will not work, but while the IRS is distracted by your juggling, they will not be making you pay taxes
- “Donate” all of your money to the non-profit you made earlier
- Short a bunch of stock and then sell them to harvest your losses, from their you will be able to deduct up to $3,000 per year from your income and deduct the rest of your losses from you recent capital gains
- Die
- Remove yourself from society to live in the woods with ocelots
- Fake your death
- Overthrow the government, this is just a good idea overall and it can help you pay less taxes
- Train for American ninja warrior and then literally dodge taxes
- Move to another country, like Scotland which has a lower tax percent
- Get a job at the IRS, that way you don’t have to pay taxes, you know the employee discount
- Fill out the paperwork wrong making them charge you far less than you actually owe
The Pitiful News 