By Tyler Sikov
Many people lost their jobs due to this pandemic but my job has turned from a seasonal occupation into a full time 24/7 job. You see, I am a Door Dasher. Yep that’s right, I got up to people’s doors, steal their packages and dash away. When I got into this competitive market, I thought I would only work around the holidays. This was not a problem for me as I have no family since the “accident” that I orchestrated. All my siblings were killed by trombones, my mom was skewered by a clarinet, and my dad’s head exploded when I played the sickest guitar riff. Now that everyone is having everything delivered it is my job to steal their packages and use whatever they had in them. So far, I have collected: 1000 rolls of toilet paper, 12 flat screen TVs, 3 years’ worth of food (4 if I intermittent fast), and 4 thousand Mother’s Day cards. I have also become famous. I am on TVs all around the world. I always make sure to let the ring camera get a good look at my face. What is the point of doing crime if it does not pay, and I want my crime to pay me in money and clout. Since my theft has become more publicized many people have been setting trap packages to catch me, luckily I am always wearing a strange assortment of paint, glitter, tar, and chicken feathers. As a master Door Dasher, I know how to protect myself from people trying to steal my packages. I have not had that many delivered to me lately, obviously, but my traps have been getting some use. The FBI keeps coming to my house to try to “arrest” me or something. They never get that close because of all my traps. Just yesterday 5 of the agents got stuck on some of the human sized sticky mouse traps I set out for them. In the past they have also fallen for many of my other traps. Some examples of my genius are: when one of the agents fell through the trapdoor I installed in my porch and could not get out of the pit, when one of the agents rang my doorbell but I rigged it to spray bear mace at them, and the time that the FBI came to my house only to find out I pulled an UP on them and lifted my house off the ground with thousands of balloons. Oh, there’s a knock at the door, I wonder what shenanigans I get up to today!
The Pitiful News 