By Sonya Acharya
When I set out to answer this question, I hadn’t a fucking clue how many bricks it would take. Like not even a ballpark answer. So I decided to go hands on and start laying bricks and walk you through the process so we can figure it out together. Walls are good for enforcing social distance, and if you don’t have bricks, you can just use those extra-crusty-and-now-also-stale loaves of bread from when you goofed your quarantine baking. If you don’t even have those, then maybe you shouldn’t be building a wall in the first place, did you consider that?
Brick 1: That’s not a wall, that’s a singular brick. But it’s a great start! Let’s keep going.
Brick 2: Too small for wall. Need to add more bricks.
Brick 3: There’s a tiny wall! Let’s keep going! And make it bigger!
Brick 4: Yesss. Just like that.
Brick 5: OK, that’s long enough for a wall, let’s make it taller.
Brick 6: Slap this baby on top of the other bricks! That’s right folks, we got a second row! This wall’s gonna be so tall, I can’t wait!
Brick 7: Keep going with that second row! My mom’s going to be so happy when she sees this. #MakeMomProud
Brick 8: Tap him into place, make sure he’s nice and comfy.
Wait how many are we at?
… 5, 6, 7, 8 *jazz number begins*
Brick 9: Whew, it’s getting hot in here. Putting bricks down is kind of sexy. *jazz intensifies*
Brick 10: Row three, you guys! Brick 10’s a lucky guy to start the third row. Look at how tall the wall’s getting, you can trip over it now!
Brick 11: Brick. Bread. Wall.
Brick 12: Oh gosh, I’m so sorry sweetie, Brick 11 is just a rebellious teenager who’s upset about this sick jazz number, the ungrateful punk. I think you’re beautiful.
Brick 13: Row four, WOO!!! Get out your ladders fellas, we’re touching the sky for this one!
Brick 14: OK, we’re done. Look, there it is, we’ve built a wall.
The Pitiful News 