Tech Department to Start Punishing Students Who Download Cars

By Blair Kriz


Yesterday, the Pitt Department of Information Technology (sorry, The Information Technology Department at the University of Pittsburgh) announced that it will start punishing students who obtain automobiles from ‘illegal filesharing websites.’ In a statement to the Pittiful News, Mr. Yu Sless, who is in charge of Pittnet and whatever those kids in the dorms are using these days, provided this message to students:

“You think you’re so smart because you figured out how to get a free car online? Think again. As soon as you start downloading the vehicle, you instantly get caught. Your internet access is immediately cut off, and you have to pay up to $1,000,000 in fines. Then you have to go to court, where they’ll send you to a maximum-security prison. We come down HARD. The automobile companies send us a thousand complaints a year about students here downloading cars, so we take this very seriously. It’s a felony. You’ll be in terrible, irreversible trouble. I’m serious guys. If you download a car, we’ll fuck you up.”

It should be noted that automobile downloads take up lots of bandwidth, so it is discourteous to your fellow students to download them on Pittnet (sorry, The Network at the University of Pittsburgh). Even if you do not care about other students, think of the poor automobile companies. They’re only a multiple hundred billion-dollar industry, and in this age of digital piracy, they’re going to struggle even more. Not to mention the CEOs, who are already very poor for all the hard work they put in. I mean, most of them won’t be able to afford a new yacht this year!

If you want to help stop the illegal sharing of cars online, here are some red flags to help you identify if someone might be an automobile pirate:

  • They show you a bunch of their new cars even though they don’t have a job to pay for them
  • They have a car that isn’t even out yet
  • They chuckle to themselves when someone gets excited about a new car being on Netflix
  • They wear primitive prosthetics
  • They have a pet bird
  • They like to drink rum
  • They say things like “Yarr!” and “Where’s me buried treasure?

Our take: Just get a virtual private muffler.

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