I should probably start with how I ended up here in Valhalla. Well I love to kill people, I kill everyone regardless of race, age, gender, religion, you tell me and I’ll kill ‘em. See the problem with my addiction to killing people is that once the person is dead they don’t come back. I wish they’d come back so I can kill them a different way. I figured that if I got into Valhalla I could kill people everyday and they would be back to eat dinner. I’m not normally the heroic type so the next time I went to kill someone I didn’t stab them I instead stabbed myself and welp here I am. Once I got here I was greeted with Odin’s hour long “10 step plan to succeed in Valhalla”. The highlights were “eat your mead”, “report every time Loki visits you in your dreams”, and “don’t kill my ravens”. I was then rushed into an elevator and sent to the 177th floor aka the floor for people who did something stupid to get into Valhalla. I was in room a room all the way at the end of the hall 38 miles away from the elevators. My neighbor got in because he, the son of Tear (the god of personal challenges), got challenged into a fight in a bar that he was ill prepared for because he has no arms. Jeff on my floor was on the ground and suddenly had flashbacks to his war days where he was afraid of paratroopers and started shooting at the skydivers above, he was then killed by a stray lightning bolt from Zeus if you believe in those fake gods. Another person who lives on my floor got in because he was sky diving with his trusty AK-47 and then suddenly remembered how much he hated ants, unfortunately the ants he thought he saw were people, he then got shot by Jeff. This makes dinner at the table for those who died single, or as we hate to call it the kids table, very awkward. While at the kids table Odin came over to me wearing one of those fake nose and mustache glasses disguise. He thought I could not tell it was him, but I definitely knew it was. Despite Odin being right next to us we decided to throw mead at the Valkyries. I was immediately in a dark room with a oily weasel man strapped to a table, I was pretty sure this was Loki but luckily I had my intro to Norse Mythology book and it confirmed my thought. Loki then gave me a presentation on his “2 step plan to not succeed in Valhalla”, the highlights of this were: “get in to Valhalla” and “Kill Balder”. After his 7-hour long presentation, he kept getting interrupted to have snake venom poured in to his eyes, he told me that he had been watching me and was impressed. He said since I finished step one of his 2 step plan, I might as well do step 2. He then handed me some mistletoe to kill Balder with and I must have misread the signs, but we kissed and then I woke up in a cold sweat in the baggage claim area of Valhalla. Balder came and was doing a strobe light demonstration and he began to crowd surf. I saw my chance and I took it, I touched Balder with the mistletoe and he instantly disintegrated. I tried to play it cool but I just hadn’t killed anyone in a few hours so I couldn’t contain my excitement. I went back to my room but as soon as I entered it turned into a dark room filled with the gods. Odin was sitting there with a spotlight on him and he yelled “How Could You! You are hereby Banished from Valhalla and we never want to see you again so you can no longer die”. I was on board with this plan, I was getting bored of killing someone just to see them again at dinner.
By Tyler Sikov
The Pitiful News 