Local Man Honored with Trash Status

By: Jack Seton

Last week, local garbage man Landon Phil was seen having an intense discussion on the sidewalk with his girlfriend, Tanya Fields. His expression was observed to have been one of complete and utter joy at the sight and sound of his girlfriend screaming in his face before she stormed off.
“I told him that he’s a piece of trash and that he can go rot in the dump,” exclaimed Tanya afterwards. “All men are garbage!” Lan, who is an employee at local dumping ground “That Trash Place,” seemed to be in quite a pleasant mood afterwards.
“When I was just a toddler, my dream job was to be a garbage man. Not only has my dream been actualized through my career, but my girlfriend has now provided me with the validation I’ve always been looking for! You see, garbage is one of the most beautiful things that can be bestowed upon a human being. I find that some of life’s most precious moments happen at the dump. There’s simply nothing more special than watching the sunset while sitting among some huge mounds of rancid trash. I’m so excited that Tanya’s finally given me permission to spend my free time at the compacting plant.”
One of Lan’s coworkers, who wished to remain anonymous, provided his thoughts on the matter. “We’re all just so proud of Lan. We’re throwing him a surprise garbage shower tomorrow when he comes into work. Garbage showers are one of the greatest honors that can be bestowed upon an individual here at That Trash Place. Also, to show him just how much he means to us, we’re going to let him drive the garbage truck and be ‘Garbage Boy of the Day’.” According to Lan’s coworker, the Garbage Boy of the Day gets to throw fun objects, such as bubble wrap, into the trash compactor.
“I sure do love Tanya!” pronounced Lan. “She’s such a piece of garbage!”

Where are All These Studies Finding Twins that Grew Up Seperate from One Another?

By: Shannon Kelly

I’ve only taken two psychology classes in my 16 years of education. However, every time I take a psych course,my professors will bring up, I don’t know, 127 studies where the researchers find twins that grew up separate from one another so the researchers can see if their genes or their upbringing influenced a personality trait. And I’m here just kind of wondering where they all are and how are these studies finding these twins?

For example, do the studies find already reunited twins? That means they just put up flyers that say “Have you recently been reunited with a long-lost twin?” Like, how many bites do they get from those flyers?

The researchers could also be finding the separated twins on their own and then deliberately keeping them separated from one another during the testing. That’s fucked for sure. No doubt, no doubt.

On the other hand, there could just be like seven pairs of twins that are constantly being experimented on. In that case, should we not be concerned about how all this testing is affecting their personality? Like what if all of these questions and psychological treatments are messing them up? And we’re over here studying that being angry is related to your genes when, in actuality, it is just those pesky labcoats bugging the twins, keeping them locked in a room, answering a billion questions a day.

If anyone has any information about this process, please email me or something. Thanks.

Man Doesn’t Eat Vegetables, Manages to Stay Alive

By: Sonya Acharya

Davis, 67, hates nothing more than the frequent farmer’s markets held near his house. Why, you ask? Because fruits, and worse, vegetables. Each fall, while his neighbors flock to outdoor tents to stock up on beautiful, cheap fresh produce from local farms, he stays home and eats chicken wings and mozzarella cheese sticks. Until Mrs Davis died ten years ago, the family were regulars at farmer’s markets. Davis was known for running through the tents screaming until he reached the baked goods table, where he’d stay, whimpering and stroking loaves of bread until his wife came to take him home. People they used to visit remember that he’d decline fruits and vegetables in pretty much any form.
Today, Davis lives a normal life, except that he eats only carbs, fats, and proteins, but he’s managing to stay alive, and no-one knows how. We reached out to him to learn his secret. “Veggies? Haven’t eaten ’em in years. Fruits? Who’s that?” he asked, when we met him over lunch. He seems to be successfully living a produce-free life. He pointed out that we don’t have the story quite right; he eats onions, garlic, potatoes, marinara, and ketchup, so he isn’t strictly produce-free. But he also confessed that once, a friend tried to poison him with veggie quesadillas. “My life flashed before my eyes. Luckily the first bite was just tortilla and sour cream, but then I saw the bell peppers.” He shudders as he recounts his chilling tale.
Doctors consider him a medical miracle. “He seems to be proving that humans don’t need fruits and vegetables, and by extension, vitamins, minerals, and dietary fiber. It’s impossible! It’s also a terrible message to be giving people. Fruits and veggies are important, kids!” says Dr Dietrich, a renowned dietitian. But Davis doesn’t seem to care what people think anymore. He has long been rejecting invitations to go apple-picking or berry-picking or anything-picking. He even skips carving a pumpkin year after year, which some people find concerning. Debbie, 32, who lives four doors down from Davis with her husband and two kids, says “On Halloween, everyone had a jack-o’-lantern on their porch, it was like a glowing orange trail for trick-or-treating. And then there’s this huge hole in the middle, at his house. It’s tearing this street apart!” Will he change his ways? Not likely. Is he happy the way he is? Absolutely. Davis seems to enjoy his fruitless existence, and since he’s not forcing people to follow him, we’re happy to let him romaine that way.

Lawmakers Excited to See Trump Take First Steps

By: Leo Corman

Donald J. Trump’s first year has been filled with stumbles, tantrums, and a noticeable lack of hair. Ever since Trump hatched from his egg and slithered into this world, the people closest to him have been expectantly watching him grow—especially the proud members of the Republican party.

“He’s really getting to be a big boy!” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “When I first met little Donnie T., I couldn’t get over how cute he was! Those chubby cheeks and tiny hands—just adorable. He’s still an infant, of course—oblivious, temperamental, fascinated by shiny objects—but now he’s starting to be more independent. He can crawl and stand on his own, and we can’t wait to see him take his first steps!”

Vice President Mike Pence said that spending the past year caring for baby Trump hasn’t always been easy. “Donnie can be quite a handful. He’ll get cranky if anyone wakes him up during naptime or mentions the Russia investigation,” said Pence, “but he’s still such a sweet little guy.”

Trump has already managed to leave a major impression on those around him. “I remember being there when Donnie said his first words,” said Attorney General Jeff Sessions. “He just started yelling, ‘Jobs! Jobs! Jobs!’ as the drool dribbled down his fat little chin. Everyone in the room broke into applause. I’ll never forget it.”

Many described how Trump’s presence has inspired them to achieve more in their own lives. “It’s been so refreshing to see that wide-eyed, infantile curiosity that comes with knowing almost nothing about the world,” said Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, “and I’ve been trying to inject some of that same ignorance into my approach to life and politics.”

While government officials have become accustomed to tending to the needs of a young child, they say that life with little Trump is still full of surprises. “Most of us are pretty used to the routine stuff by now—changing diapers, breastfeeding, getting woken up in the middle of the night by crying about his historically low approval rating—but some things still catch me off guard,” said Pence. “I mean, when people think about having a kid, they don’t realize all the challenges and swallowing of pride that come with that responsibility. Life with Donnie is definitely never dull.”

2019 Spring Olympics Announced in Altoona, PA

By: Jessica Simpson

The International Olympic Committee’s President, Thomas Bach, recently confirmed that the inaugural Spring Olympic Games would be held in April 2019, in the great city of Altoona, Pennsylvania. Eight months following the summer games in Tokyo, the world’s most athletic and talented humans will once again compete in what Bach refers to as, “all of your favorite spring sports.”
In the IOC’s Official Olympic Handbook, spring sports are qualified as the type of events that one would encounter during an elementary school field day, birthday party, or family reunion. Among the many intense sports showcased, there is: water balloon tossing, sack racing, three-legged racing, wheel barrel racing, dodgeball, hide-and-go-seek, and the main event—the egg-and-spoon race. The IOC predicts that internationally celebrated spoon-man, Sam Yerman from Vancouver, will most likely go up against other internationally celebrated spoon-woman, Eliza Roshay from Glasgow. The games will be quite different from the gymnastics, swimming, figure skating, and skiing, which we see at the Summer and Winter Olympics respectively. But the stakes for the Spring Olympics will be the highest they have ever been in Olympic history.
Even though the decision to launch the Spring Olympics was announced relatively last minute, according to Bach and other members of the IOC, it has been a long time coming. “The demand of expert spring sportsmen and women across the globe was so incredibly high,” says Boch. “We just didn’t have the right platform or location until we decided on Altoona.” As number 42 on Vacation Magazine’s “Top 25 Places to Visit in Pennsylvania,” Altoona was simply the ideal platform for the 2019 Spring Olympics. Altoona’s Mayor, Matthew Pacifico, spoke more about what the city has to offer: “We have a lot of fields. And grass. We have a lot of grass too, which is good for this kind of thing,” Pacifico said. As it stands, over 100 countries have registered to participate in the games. Buy your tickets and set your recordings now. You won’t want to miss it.