By: Tyler Sikov
“Literally I’m dying” were the last words I wrote in my past life after I was sent an astute meme. I was promptly resurrected in my bed. Now I have some ideas on how this happened. I either died by getting chopped in half by my buzzsaw collection or I literally died laughing. But the bigger question is why I got resurrected.
My first idea is that I am in fact a cat. This claim is backed up by the fact that I have a long tongue with radula on it and lick myself clean multiple times a day. I also eat cat food and have a tail. Another theory I have is that life is a video game. This could be true because there is this random floating health bar above my head at all times. A third theory is that I have performed an equal number of sins and good deeds. This is true because I pushed someone off a train, but also saved a different person from being pushed off a train by me. A fourth theory is that I am still dead. Satan could be playing a cruel trick on me or God could be as I was never religious.
What if all of life is just death? What if I died when I was a kid and this whole time some demonic being has been convincing me that I am alive. Come to think of it I do not remember ever leaving this room, except for of course riding on the top of that train while texting and carrying my buzzsaw collection. Or I could have just fallen asleep and woken up with the idea in my head that I died on that train. Signing off until my next life.
The Pitiful News 