By: David Kinzlmaier
Dear Abby,
Long time listener, first time writing. Me and a couple of buddies all got together to watch the Superbowl a few months ago and we wanted to make a night out of it. We all settled down and we’re about 2 beers in when the first one hit. It was the Tide ad with David Harbour, that cop guy from Stranger Things. Everyone got a good laugh, but it caught me off guard. I was fully expecting a car commercial but, as the dreamy David Harbour stared me dead in the eyes, he reminded me that it was a Tide Ad. I was overcome with a sea of doubt, unlike anything I have ever experienced before. Something about his dark, unwavering stare and calm demeanor hinted at a higher truth, so tantalizingly close yet out of reach to mortal minds. I leaned forward, focusing, trying to understand what he meant as my expectations were subverted again and again and again. Even after the ad ended and the jovial laughter morphed into an excited murmur, the question still stood with me. What did Hollywood superstar David Harbor mean?
It was about a half hour later when the second Tide ad hit, and Hollywood Superstar David Harbour, from within his harem of elderly tennis players, taunted me yet again. The clean clothes, the fresh scent, the knowing laughs, what did they all mean?! There was greater meaning behind his honeyed words, he had hinted at the lock and the key, but it was up to me to find both.
Then it dawned on me. I slowly looked around the room, observing with horrified fascination. My friends were rowdy and jubilant, yet they were asleep. How could they not realize?! The clues were given, the puzzle pieces connected to form a picture, but what a picture. In a fit of hysteria I ran outside, as if running could change the reality in which I was trapped. A blast of a horn followed by the powerful impact of a Ford F150 on my side sent me sprawling into the street. As my senses came back to me, I looked down expecting to find myself broken, bloodstained, dying.
My shirt was a bright white, brighter than ever before. A man knelt beside me, checking to see if I was ok. I turned to him to let him know I was fine, but the words caught in my throat as I looked into the abyssal eyes of Hollywood Superstar David Harbour. He gave me a cold, dead smile.
“It’s just a Tide Ad.”
Abby I’m scared. What do I do? What can I do?
Sincerely,
A Very Clean Man
The Pitiful News 