The Boys are Back in Town, But They’re Old as Hell

By Jack Seton

Last Monday, Cameron Flosser was walking down the sidewalk when something stood out to him from across the street. He thought he saw some eerily familiar-looking faces.

“I crossed the street to get a better look,” said Flosser. “When I got closer, I began to realize that it was the Boys, but they were so…old, so pudgy, and so embarrassingly unaware of social norms.”

According to Flosser, it had been years since he had seen the Boys in town. Last anyone had seen them, they were cracking some cold brewskies together, asking each other if they knew anyone here, and just generally doing as the Boys do on a typical Saturday. Being several years later, most of the Boys now had families and were middle-aged suburban dads. Naturally, they were now having a barbeque, calling young adult men “champs,” and wearing New Balance Dad 2.0’s.

“At first I couldn’t believe what I was seeing,” Flosser stated. “It finally clicked when one former Boy, Bill, said he was hungry and another former Boy, George, responded with, ‘Hi Hungry, I’m George.’ It was at that moment I could say with absolute certainty that the Boys were indeed back in town, but in dad form.”

The conditions to be considered “one of the Boys” were revealed in an interview with former Boy and current townsperson John Pilsner: “I used to be one of the Boys,” stated Pilsner. “Everything changed when the rest of the Boys decided to leave town and I was the only one who stayed. Since I wasn’t leaving town, I could technically never be back in town, so I stopped talking to the Boys altogether.”

It is unknown when the Boys, now old as hell, will leave town again. Their evolution in the future is highly anticipated, with Thin Lizzy frontman Phil Lynott already being rumored to have written a new song called “The Great Grandfathers are Back in The Nursing Home.”

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