Campus Chipotle to Offer New Express Checkout Line Where They Just Stab You

By Riley Weber 

Forbes Avenue seems to change as often as the seasons these days. Not to be outdone by the opening of a new, hole-less Qdoba, the campus Chipotle has announced an entirely new concept to be introduced in their restaurant. “It’s pretty simple,” franchise manager Sir Henry Rated explained. “It’s similar to one of our normal restaurants, except that right after you pay for your burrito the cashier stabs you with a 12 inch hunting knife.”

So far, the innovative idea has got the student population stirring. One of those intrigued was Pitt junior Savannah Crossley. “I’m eager to try it. I eat Chipotle probably once or twice a week and I’m almost getting tired of it. Something new would be very welcome.” The new system seems to appeal to many who seek stability in their daily life. “It really takes the guesswork out of getting killed. Instead of getting stabbed on my walk home at night, or say, in the McDonald’s bathroom, I can just purchase a burrito bowl and get stabbed right then and there. Easy,” Crossley explained.

Since the implementation of this new service method on November 9th, lines have been longer than ever. “We expected to maybe get four or five stabbings a day, but this idea has really taken off,” Sir Rated told us. “We’ve had to hire several new cashiers and equip them with three blades each. As the first restaurant to do something like this, we’ve got to feel it out as we go.” When prompted about his knighthood, he responded “Oh, that? That’s a weird reach for a pun that’s probably not worth it.”

The reviews of the murder service have so far been overwhelmingly positive. “Oh, I give it two thumbs up. Definitely something I would recommend to my friends.” Senior Devin Navarre whispered with his dying breath as he lay on the floor, pale and cold, as if his very soul had seeped out of his body alongside his blood. To further encourage business, the store has also announced that free chips will be given out with the purchase of two or more entrees all next week.

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