“Dove Chocolate Sayings Made Me Do It!” Says Local Arsonist

By Rachel Boward

“I’m innocent!” David Davidson boldly exclaimed as he unceremoniously collapsed to his knees outside a Pittsburgh police department Monday afternoon, “It was Dove Chocolate, they made me do it.” Davidson is accused of initiating a spree of house fires Friday evening which led to the mild terror and first degree burns of several South Oakland residents. However, against the urging of his legal consultants, he refuses to plead guilty to the charges brought against him. He instead blames “Dove Chocolate Sayings” for manipulating him into lighting the match.

In a wild turn of events, Davidson’s seemingly incoherent plea may not be unfounded. In a search of the suspect’s third floor apartment late Saturday night, dozens of the iconic Dove Chocolate candy wrappers were found amongst empty Sorento’s pizza boxes and half completed Chemistry assignments. Such seemingly innocent sayings as, “Do Something Spontaneous” and “Temptation is fun…giving in is even better!” meant to inspire the typical middle-aged female population suddenly turned dark in light of recent events. Even darker still were the sayings on the wrappers found lodged deep into the crevices of the stained mustard yellow La-Z-Boy recliner in the bedroom of the perpetrators home. “‘Make someone melt today’ and ‘Don’t settle for a spark, light a fire instead’, these are real quotes seen on the back of these candy wrappers. If these are found to be authentic, we might have a real epidemic on our hands,” Police Chief Henry McHenry boldly proclaimed in a press conference early Monday morning.
In a Pittiful news exclusive interview Sunday night, we got the real scoop on the darker findings of the investigation. “Yes, it’s true,” Jack Jackson revealed, “…there are more.” With a helpless grimace, Jackson opens the old Crocs shoebox sitting ominously in the center of the dirty Starbuck’s table. With a gasp, Richardson pulled out a single wrapper from amongst the hundreds of crumpled tin foil specimens that lay inside. “‘Gas stations are always a good place to find the ingredients to start a fire…in your heart,’” Richardson reads in a hushed tone, “No way, this can’t be.” Many more eerily specific quotes such as, “Strike the red end, no, no, against the box, you idiot, not your hand”, and “Okay, now just pour the gasoline onto the apartment, good, good girl, er, boy” could be glimpsed shining in the dim light at the top of the pile. If these wrappers are indeed the real deal, this may go deeper than anyone could ever have expected. “This could be government deep,” Jackson whispers, cringing at the sight of the empty shells in the box before him.
Whether a government conspiracy, mass-media cover-up, or simply the musings of a deranged chocolate factory worker, one can’t deny that for the first time in human history, eating an Almond Joy could’ve saved the world a whole lot of grief. The trial begins Tuesday.

Pitt Deserves A Better Rival Than Penn State

By Milo Davis

Almost one month ago to date, a Penn State student laid out some pretty strong opinions about his once proud school ahead of its first game in 16 years against the superior Pittsburgh Panthers. Alas, all the hubris and willful ignorance in the world couldn’t save the Nittany Lions from succumbing to our complete and total awesomeness. On that fateful September afternoon we all discovered one totally objective truth: Pitt’s ethereal glory should never, ever be mentioned in the same breath as those Penn State heathens.

Aside from the State College crowd, who desperately want to bask in the light of our splendor, a lot of people share my sentiment. Being that football is the greatest thing man has ever developed, and being that Pitt is the greatest at football, it obviously follows that Pitt is the greatest ever. It also follows that those smelly doodoo heads at Penn State all have cooties and I hate them.

Before I continue, let me make one thing clear: I am very much opposed to Penn State playing the role of Pitt’s primary rival in the future. We should honestly just throw out the games we’ve scheduled against Penn State for the next three years and jump right into the NFL so we could go up against the likes of the New England Patriots or that other Pittsburgh team in the NFL, even though they could never dream of being half as illustrious as us.

Then, after we’ve mopped the floor with the NFL, we’d go on to face the very gods of the Greek Pantheon themselves. I’d expect Pitt to win such a game by a score of 56-3, and I’m being generous. There’s no way Hermes is running past Jordan Whitehead. I’d take James Conner over Ares any day of the week, and we all know that up-and-comer Achilles is an injury waiting to happen. It’s only a matter of time before Pat Narduzzi takes his rightful place at the helm of Mount Olympus and goes down in history as the greatest football coach (and mortal man) of all time in the history of forever. Hail to Pitt, fuck Penn State, and may Pat bless us all.

Fall Flavored Drugs

By Megan Kline

A leaf fell, and you know what that means. IT’S FALL! It’s officially the best season of the year, so why not celebrate with some new seasonal flavored drugs? Pre-game those pumpkin patches and apple orchards with the latest and greatest seasonal selections! MMM…Fall sure is addicting!

1. Pumpkin Spice Smack
Yum! Starbucks has nothing on this sweet new flavor, available at your local drug dealer for a limited time only. It’s a favorite!

2. Apple Cinnamon Crank
Hints of cinnamon sticks and aromatic apple in this crystal meth really make losing your teeth taste that much better!
3. Maple Methylenedioxymethamphetamine (MDMA)
It may look impossible to pronounce, but it tastes just like Mrs. Butterworths Classic Syrup! Delicious!
4. Caramel Apple A-bomb
Drizzle your marijuana cigarettes with heroin, opium, acid, and a touch of caramel! You don’t even have to bite into this one!  
5. Butternut Squash Sativa
A savory cannabis, squash really livens up this cool plant, and makes for a warm and fulfilling and savory drug! A treat for all! Have it as a side-dish at your next dinner party!
6. Nutmeg Nubs

Peyote with a dash of nutmeg? Sold! This is a classic, and studies show nutmeg can even help speed up your metabolism while you hallucinate an eternal fall. Amazing health benefits!

Local Naïve Freshman Doesn’t Know She Wants to Be Dead Yet

By: Riley Weber
“College is so amazing. I love the people, the city and my classes. I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy in my life,” were the words freshman Tess Kopanski tweeted after her first week of classes. This tweet, along with several other joyful tweets sent shortly thereafter, have sent ripples through the upperclassmen community who all thought, in unison, “Aw, that’s adorable.”

Several upperclassmen were available for comment on the tweet and its stupidity. “Oh boy is this little Tess in for a surprise,” junior Marissa Route declared. “It’s a week in and I’m already drowning. I’ve got hours of work every night, balancing that with lab volunteering. Add that to the job I work over the weekends because I’m dirt broke and there you have it. I would LOVE to be dead.” At the time of the tweet, Kopanski had not even taken a single midterm yet, prompting the statement from sophomore Karl Stotten, “Last year I had two midterms and an essay due on the same day, another midterm and essay due the next day, then a full lab report due the next. I would have welcomed death’s cold kiss right then and there.”

Another student, senior Jared Leroy, gave us his version of events. “Haha. Hahaha. Ha. Good. But hey, could you do me a favor and swing that board full of nails at my head?” When Kopanski was told of her folly by almost everyone, she scoffed. “I took 3 AP classes in high school, while leading two clubs and having a job, how hard could it be? Being alive is really great!” More on this story as it develops.