By Riley Weber
You have one new Facebook notification. Hey! Hey you, Facebook user! Do you know what Mark Zuckerberg is up to? Do you care? Perhaps even give a rat’s ass? If not, too bad! This is Facebook telling you His exact activities and whereabouts for the past 96 hours, enjoy! Man, this Mark Zuckerberg fellow is wonderful, isn’t He? You all love Him. You know what would be amazing? If He came to your wedding. Oh, wait. He is! Thanks to the event you planned through Facebook, Mark has been alerted of your existence and would like to grace you with His presence! Thought that event was private? Nope! Mark knows. Mark knows everything. Mark is The All-Seeing, All-Knowing, Far-Reaching Deity of One Billion Glorious Eyes. You know what would also be fantastic? If he live streamed the wedding! Luckily for you, His Benevolent Presence has decided justly so! Mark Zuckerberg will be live streaming your entire wedding day to all 1.6 Billion Facebook users worldwide. Everyone will be watching! Everyone WILL be watching. The live stream will be beamed into your brain by any means necessary so that the entire world will know His Sacred Name and the grace and mercy with which He treats His Subservient Masses. Imagine your beautiful honeymoon night; a luxurious hotel suite, a bottle of the finest wine, Mark Zuckerberg and His Magnificent Camera streaming your every thrust. It’s what you’ve always wanted. You’ve dreamed of that day since you were a young boy. Facebook wasn’t around when you were young? Not true. Facebook has always been present. Facebook is The Immaculate Throne upon which Our Lauded Regent Mark Zuckerberg rests His Exalted Buttocks. Pretty neat, huh? Anyway, see you again tomorrow!