But back to Ben, he is letting you know what time of year it is with this knit scarf that he has got draped around himself. Draped, not tied. He is giving you access to the other accents of this look–the powder blue dress shirt and complimentary colored tie–with this drapery. Miss Ben said “What the fuck I look like?? Someone who is going to craft a look like this and not have every facet be on display?? Come on, bitch.” No, you come on bitch!! Come on with that windswept Casablanca ass hairdo bidding us adieu from ev-er-y angle!! So much so that even Ben herself has to clutch her pearls. The drama of it all!! It’s too much for even me to handle, girl.
By Elisa Ogot
Brittany Howard: This place is actually really nice, it’s like a hotel. I’m doing great. I’m making friends, my parents have set up a commissary account…
PN: Okay, let’s cut the crap. Why did you do it?
BH: I had taken one step out of my dorm. ONE STEP. And this kid–
PN: Jason Stewart?
PN: The student you stabbed.
BH: Oh, I don’t know that kid’s name.
PN: So you just–
BH: YEAH, I DID. I’VE NEVER MET THE KID IT WAS JUST ON SIGHT. I HAD BEEN AWAKE FOR FIVE, COUNT ‘EM FIVE MINUTES. I WAS LATE AND I RAN DOWN THE STAIRS. I BUSTED OUT OF THE DOORS OF MY DORM AND HE TURNED AND BURPED RIGHT IN MY FACE!! MY MOUTH WAS OPEN, HIS MOUTH WAS OPEN, AND HE BLEW HIS POST-DIGESTIVE PROCESS FOOD GAS RIGHT IN ME!! SO, I DIDN’T EVEN THINK. IT WAS INSTINCTUAL. I WHIPPED OUT MY POCKET KNIFE AND STABBED HIM RIGHT IN HIS GODDAMN WINDPIPE. MAYBE NEXT. TIME. HE WILL THINK TWICE ABOUT SPEWING THAT NOXIOUS GAS ANY. WHERE. EVEN CLOSE TO MY GENERAL DIRECTION. MAYBE NOW EVERY TIME HE BREATHES IN AND A LITTLE BIT OF AIR WHISTLES OUT THROUGH WHERE I PIERCED HIS FLESH HE’LL REMEMBER TO HAVE A MODICUM OF FUCKING DECENCY. MAYBE NOW HE’LL COVER HIS GODDAMN BLOWHOLE FROM TODAY UNTIL THE END OF TIME.
Brittany had to be restrained after this point in our conversation. Four armed guards rushed out and tried to pull her away from the glass, but she pulled out what appeared to be a switchblade and took two of them out before they tackled her to the ground. How she was even able to get her hands on a switchblade…we might never know.
Fernandez even sought help from a consultant, his friend/drug dealer, Griggs. Griggs described the odor as “definitely noticeable, man” and “holy shit, you need to get your life together. I sell drugs and I’m telling you this. Come on.” The two searched under the couch, in the fridge and through the laundry bin for the source of the tangy, raw, powerful, almost meaty smell to no avail. “I called my landlord to see if, like, this was a thing with other people you know,” Fernandez said “but all he had to say was that my rent was late again. Same old shit. He wasn’t much help.” The two then walked to the nearby Sunoco in order to get some more Febreeze, but all they had was car air fresheners so they figured that would probably work just as well and bought three new car smells. Fernandez then decided to give up for the night saying “I’ll find out exactly what it is tomorrow. It’s getting kind of dark and my lamp in broken, so I’ll look tomorrow when the light is better. It’s not too terrible. I’m pretty sure I’ve been to parties that would LOVE an air freshener made from this shit.”
9. “Suck it up.”
The animal kingdom offers many diverse forms of copulation. For instance, male elephants use five foot long penises to deliver Saharan seed to their female counterparts. The female praying mantis will devour her male booty call, starting with his brain, mid-conjugal visit and usually before he has completed his carnal embrace. The bio-research team at the Pittiful News has been working for months tracking the mysteries of coitus in other species. Here are their findings:
Pigeons– Male pigeons have a low libido 364 days out of the year. Virtually no fertilization takes place in this time. However, every Martin Luther King Jr. Day, all mature male pigeons swell to twice their size and spray pigeon semen lawn-sprinkler style all over the city. This horribly inefficient pro-creative method has a .1% success rate.
Alligators– Female alligators will set up Burmese Tiger traps near swamps. Male gators will notice these traps and check them for delicious trapped Burmese tigers. When this occurs, females will sneak up and push the unsuspecting males into the traps. Then they will have horrendously inconceivable gator sex that can last up to thirteen hours and caused at least three researchers to vomit.
Mice– Mice fuck constantly. No one really knows how.
Polar Bears– Male polar bears find small bear-sized pieces of ice to float on. They set up camp and ship off drifting through the desolate ocean in hopes of finding a lady-bear drifting on her own bear-sized ice piece. When this occurs the bears then mount and counter mount each other with alternate thrusts to keep their newly formed zygotes safe from the toxic environment
Bugs– As we all remember from grade school bug class, bugs are born with inferiority complexes. Bugs have no standards and will perform sexual acts for what seems like no reason. Low self-esteem causes bugs to be constantly horny. ‘Buzzing’ is bugs humping the air hoping other bugs will like them more.
The animal kingdom is an astonishing place full of astonishing sexual acts. If you want more information, visit your local library or ask your parents during a particularly upbeat dinner conversation.
By Shannon Kelly
Have you met Shelly? She’s the worst. The absolute worst. The worst human being. Why would you want to date her? I’ve been her friends for over 10 years and trust me, you don’t want to spend too much time with her. I’ll just tell you about a few things Shelly does that makes her an absolute screw-up. Shelly once drank half a glass of wine and tried to steal our neighbor’s dog by scaling their five foot fence at 2 a.m. on a Tuesday.
Shelly once told me she likes snacking in her bed because the crumbs remind her of the texture of the beach. Shelly’s New Year’s kiss this year was with our Lyft driver. Shelly once woke up from a nap to the sound of an ambulance siren outside and said “at this hour?” Last weekend, Shelly spent four hours on the phone with a call center to get refunded a 59-cent shipping fee.
Shelly once forced me to watch an hour long taped recording of Saved by the Bell: On Ice. When her sister was between the ages of 5 and 11, Shelly would leave notes underneath her sister’s pillow once a month in cut-up magazine letters saying “Lucky isn’t on that farm, he’s buried in the backyard.” Every time I complain about rent, Shelly sends me an email with the subject line “Problem $olved” and a link to a new Sugar Daddy website. When I asked why Shelly’s purse smelled like bananas, she responded “because I keep bananas in there.” Overall, she’s the worst. Please don’t date her.