Pregnancy Scares Proved To Be Most Effective Form Of Hiccup Prevention

By Critter Fink

A recent study proved that hiccups are really only able to be cast from the body from a very serious fright. The fright proven to be most effective is a solid pregnancy scare. Researcher of science, Bob Bergér, said, “Hiccupoptomus Pneumonia has long confused and stumped the scientific community. It’s always been clear that inducing terror will rid your body of the hiccups the most effectively.” The most efficient terror has long eluded researchers.

Bergër conducted significant research in the art of fear. He tested the abilities of sudden chainsaw, snakes being thrown at the face, a hard cantaloupe thrown at the teets, a mother’s disappointment being reemphasized, 666, dank memes quickly shoved into all of your orifices, and the suburban hell of driving a minivan and cheating on your spouse with someone really ugly.

Unfortunately, these fears did not cure Hiccupotomus in the way that Bęrgêr wanted. But when female participants were shown a two dollar pregnancy test confirming that they were pregnant, the hiccups left their body immediately. Male participants were just told that the girl they hooked up with last Wednesday decided to keep the baby and their hiccups also dissipated immediately. Bėrgë᷁r then told them that it was just a pregnancy scare and their heart rates all returned to normal levels, but with no hiccups. “Life changing research like this is the way of the future,” Berger said.

#WhoIsShe

By Elisa Ogot

No. That can’t be….Miss Ben Roethlisberger?? Look at the miracles a slim cut suit can perform. Fashion. Giving you just “hopped off a plane at LAX” realness. Fashion. Except that he’s getting onto a plane. FASHION. And it’s the Pittsburgh International Airport. YES THOSE GRAY SLABS BETTER WORK!! They are delivering a uniform tone to y’all. Setting up a COLOR. PALETTE.

I’d like to take a second to also acknowledge Mr. North Face simply strutting his way through the background. He is a jetsetter! He does not have time for any of this! He just got off work and had to scramble from RIDC Industrial Park to board this jet because like Shia Lebouf preached in Wall Street 2, money never sleeps hoe!! With his Giant Eagle S/S 16 plastic tote in tow….SIR.

But back to Ben, he is letting you know what time of year it is with this knit scarf that he has got draped around himself. Draped, not tied. He is giving you access to the other accents of this look–the powder blue dress shirt and complimentary colored tie–with this drapery. Miss Ben said “What the fuck I look like?? Someone who is going to craft a look like this and not have every facet be on display?? Come on, bitch.” No, you come on bitch!! Come on with that windswept Casablanca ass hairdo bidding us adieu from ev-er-y angle!! So much so that even Ben herself has to clutch her pearls. The drama of it all!! It’s too much for even me to handle, girl.

Local Student Stabs Classmate After He Burps in Her Face

By Elisa Ogot

The following is a transcript of an interview with Pittsburgh University student, Brittany Howard from within the walls of the Allegheny County Jail where she is currently awaiting trial for stabbing her classmate, Jason Stewart, seemingly without cause.

Pittiful News: Hello Brittany. How are you holding up?

Brittany Howard: This place is actually really nice, it’s like a hotel. I’m doing great. I’m making friends, my parents have set up a commissary account…

PN: Okay, let’s cut the crap. Why did you do it?

BH: I had taken one step out of my dorm. ONE STEP. And this kid–

PN: Jason Stewart?

BH: Who?

PN: The student you stabbed.

BH: Oh, I don’t know that kid’s name.

PN: So you just–

BH: YEAH, I DID. I’VE NEVER MET THE KID IT WAS JUST ON SIGHT. I HAD BEEN AWAKE FOR FIVE, COUNT ‘EM FIVE MINUTES. I WAS LATE AND I RAN DOWN THE STAIRS. I BUSTED OUT OF THE DOORS OF MY DORM AND HE TURNED AND BURPED RIGHT IN MY FACE!! MY MOUTH WAS OPEN, HIS MOUTH WAS OPEN, AND HE BLEW HIS POST-DIGESTIVE PROCESS FOOD GAS RIGHT IN ME!! SO, I DIDN’T EVEN THINK. IT WAS INSTINCTUAL. I WHIPPED OUT MY POCKET KNIFE AND STABBED HIM RIGHT IN HIS GODDAMN WINDPIPE. MAYBE NEXT. TIME. HE WILL THINK TWICE ABOUT SPEWING THAT NOXIOUS GAS ANY. WHERE. EVEN CLOSE TO MY GENERAL DIRECTION. MAYBE NOW EVERY TIME HE BREATHES IN AND A LITTLE BIT OF AIR WHISTLES OUT THROUGH WHERE I PIERCED HIS FLESH HE’LL REMEMBER TO HAVE A MODICUM OF FUCKING DECENCY. MAYBE NOW HE’LL COVER HIS GODDAMN BLOWHOLE FROM TODAY UNTIL THE END OF TIME.

Brittany had to be restrained after this point in our conversation. Four armed guards rushed out and tried to pull her away from the glass, but she pulled out what appeared to be a switchblade and took two of them out before they tackled her to the ground. How she was even able to get her hands on  a switchblade…we might never know.

Man Tries In Vain to Find Where Smell is coming From in Apartment

By Riley Weber

    Area man James Fernandez was startled Wednesday evening by a strange smell coming from an unidentified location in his apartment. Fernandez, a student and part-time pizza delivery boy, searched unsuccessfully for the somewhat sweet and sharp but also ripe odor for approximately 55 minutes.

Fernandez returned to his video game and figured it wasn’t that bad, and that he would just get used to it. “Yeah, at first I figured it was probably from some crazy mix from the trash, so I took that out,” said Fernandez, “but it was still there, so then I assumed it was residual throw-up on my wall from that time I drank screwdrivers alone all night. I wiped it with some water and sprayed Febreeze, and it was fine but came back after like 5 minutes.” Fernandez reportedly spent the rest of the night hoping that the girl he was kind of having a thing with would either not notice the stinging, rotten, overwhelming smell, or be okay with going to her place even though her annoying dumbass roommate would be there listening and judging because she’s a lonely fuck.

Fernandez even sought help from a consultant, his friend/drug dealer, Griggs. Griggs described the odor as “definitely noticeable, man” and “holy shit, you need to get your life together. I sell drugs and I’m telling you this. Come on.” The two searched under the couch, in the fridge and through the laundry bin for the source of the tangy, raw, powerful, almost meaty smell to no avail. “I called my landlord to see if, like, this was a thing with other people you know,” Fernandez said “but all he had to say was that my rent was late again. Same old shit. He wasn’t much help.” The two then walked to the nearby Sunoco in order to get some more Febreeze, but all they had was car air fresheners so they figured that would probably work just as well and bought three new car smells. Fernandez then decided to give up for the night saying “I’ll find out exactly what it is tomorrow. It’s getting kind of dark and my lamp in broken, so I’ll look tomorrow when the light is better. It’s not too terrible. I’m pretty sure I’ve been to parties that would LOVE an air freshener made from this shit.”

Quiz: Are These Lines From TLC’s “Toddlers And Tiaras” Or Porn Films?

By Shannon Kelly

 

1. “Why are you still wearing that?”

2. “I said smile.”

3. “You’re not ten years old.”

4. “You can’t cry. Stop crying.”

5. “There are girls out there that would kill for this.”

6. “You’re making Daddy so proud right now.”

7. “Mommy wants you to finish first.”

8. “I’ll buy you whatever you want afterwards.”

9. “Suck it up.”

How Do Animals Have Sex?

By Phil Forrence

The animal kingdom offers many diverse forms of copulation. For instance, male elephants use five foot long penises to deliver Saharan seed to their female counterparts. The female praying mantis will devour her male booty call, starting with his brain, mid-conjugal visit and usually before he has completed his carnal embrace. The bio-research team at the Pittiful News has been working for months tracking the mysteries of coitus in other species. Here are their findings:

Pigeons– Male pigeons have a low libido 364 days out of the year. Virtually no fertilization takes place in this time. However, every Martin Luther King Jr. Day, all mature male pigeons swell to twice their size and spray pigeon semen lawn-sprinkler style all over the city. This horribly inefficient pro-creative method has a .1% success rate.

Alligators– Female alligators will set up Burmese Tiger traps near swamps. Male gators will notice these traps and check them for delicious trapped Burmese tigers. When this occurs, females will sneak up and push the unsuspecting males into the traps. Then they will have horrendously inconceivable gator sex that can last up to thirteen hours and caused at least three researchers to vomit.  

Mice– Mice fuck constantly. No one really knows how.

Polar Bears– Male polar bears find small bear-sized pieces of ice to float on. They set up camp and ship off drifting through the desolate ocean in hopes of finding a lady-bear drifting on her own bear-sized ice piece. When this occurs the bears then mount and counter mount each other with alternate thrusts to keep their newly formed zygotes safe from the toxic environment

Bugs– As we all remember from grade school bug class, bugs are born with inferiority complexes. Bugs have no standards and will perform sexual acts for what seems like no reason. Low self-esteem causes bugs to be constantly horny. ‘Buzzing’ is bugs humping the air hoping other bugs will like them more.

The animal kingdom is an astonishing place full of astonishing sexual acts. If you want more information, visit your local library or ask your parents during a particularly upbeat dinner conversation.

An Open Letter To The Guy That Is Going To Date My Best Friend

By Shannon Kelly
 
Have you met Shelly? She’s the worst. The absolute worst. The worst human being. Why would you want to date her? I’ve been her friends for over 10 years and trust me, you don’t want to spend too much time with her. I’ll just tell you about a few things Shelly does that makes her an absolute screw-up. Shelly once drank half a glass of wine and tried to steal our neighbor’s dog by scaling their five foot fence at 2 a.m. on a Tuesday. 

Shelly once told me she likes snacking in her bed because the crumbs remind her of the texture of the beach. Shelly’s New Year’s kiss this year was with our Lyft driver. Shelly once woke up from a nap to the sound of an ambulance siren outside and said “at this hour?” Last weekend, Shelly spent four hours on the phone with a call center to get refunded a 59-cent shipping fee. 

Shelly once forced me to watch an hour long taped recording of Saved by the Bell: On Ice. When her sister was between the ages of 5 and 11, Shelly would leave notes underneath her sister’s pillow once a month in cut-up magazine letters saying “Lucky isn’t on that farm, he’s buried in the backyard.” Every time I complain about rent, Shelly sends me an email with the subject line “Problem $olved” and a link to a new Sugar Daddy website. When I asked why Shelly’s purse smelled like bananas, she responded “because I keep bananas in there.”  Overall, she’s the worst. Please don’t date her.