Dear Danezie: First Colonoscopy

Dear Danezie,
My first-ever colonoscopy is coming up this month. What kind of sensation(s) should I expect?
Dear Tingly?,

Great question. Allow me to tell you about my weekend trip home and hopefully it will help you out. The day I arrived at my house was the same day my mom finally saw grades from last semester. In between bong hits, she asked me how much tuition money she had wasted on me this past semester. I very clearly explained to her that a D is a passing grade and therefore I technically did pass all of my classes. She responded with, “Christ on a stick, Danezie, how the fuck did you get a D in chemistry? I have a Master’s degree in Biochemistry; I could have helped you out.” I explained to her that I would never take any advice from someone who thinks it’s okay to wear a striped shirt underneath a flannel.
Fast-forward to our family dinner. I was sitting next to my bitch ass Aunt Joyce and she asked me if I had a boyfriend. I told her no, but that I did have a chlamydia scare two weeks ago and that is, in essence, the same thing. Aunt Joyce scolded me and told me that I was being, “vulgar and offensive.” I pointed out that those were the exact words that came to mind when I saw her split ends. My Uncle Ron changed the subject and asked me what I was studying and if I was going to follow his footsteps in engineering. I told him that I’m actually going to get a Bachelor of Arts. He said that is a huge waste of money and I asked how his daughter’s fourth stint in rehab is going. That night, everyone was sitting in their pajamas by the fire, praising Donald Trump and getting worked up over “them damn immigrants.” I casually floated into the room on my gay pride flag, wearing my “Fund Planned Parenthood” t-shirt and blaring “Bern Down for What” on my speakers. Needless to say it caused a commotion. So, Tingly?, just be yourself when you visit home. Your family should love you for who you are. But like don’t tell your mom that you went to a private doctor for your STD/STI panel because the bill is going to be hella expensive and she WILL be pissed.

Sincerely, Danezie

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