By Critter Fink
A recent study proved that hiccups are really only able to be cast from the body from a very serious fright. The fright proven to be most effective is a solid pregnancy scare. Researcher of science, Bob Bergér, said, “Hiccupoptomus Pneumonia has long confused and stumped the scientific community. It’s always been clear that inducing terror will rid your body of the hiccups the most effectively.” The most efficient terror has long eluded researchers.
Bergër conducted significant research in the art of fear. He tested the abilities of sudden chainsaw, snakes being thrown at the face, a hard cantaloupe thrown at the teets, a mother’s disappointment being reemphasized, 666, dank memes quickly shoved into all of your orifices, and the suburban hell of driving a minivan and cheating on your spouse with someone really ugly.
Unfortunately, these fears did not cure Hiccupotomus in the way that Bęrgêr wanted. But when female participants were shown a two dollar pregnancy test confirming that they were pregnant, the hiccups left their body immediately. Male participants were just told that the girl they hooked up with last Wednesday decided to keep the baby and their hiccups also dissipated immediately. Bėrgë᷁r then told them that it was just a pregnancy scare and their heart rates all returned to normal levels, but with no hiccups. “Life changing research like this is the way of the future,” Berger said.