How Do Animals Have Sex?

By Phil Forrence

The animal kingdom offers many diverse forms of copulation. For instance, male elephants use five foot long penises to deliver Saharan seed to their female counterparts. The female praying mantis will devour her male booty call, starting with his brain, mid-conjugal visit and usually before he has completed his carnal embrace. The bio-research team at the Pittiful News has been working for months tracking the mysteries of coitus in other species. Here are their findings:

Pigeons– Male pigeons have a low libido 364 days out of the year. Virtually no fertilization takes place in this time. However, every Martin Luther King Jr. Day, all mature male pigeons swell to twice their size and spray pigeon semen lawn-sprinkler style all over the city. This horribly inefficient pro-creative method has a .1% success rate.

Alligators– Female alligators will set up Burmese Tiger traps near swamps. Male gators will notice these traps and check them for delicious trapped Burmese tigers. When this occurs, females will sneak up and push the unsuspecting males into the traps. Then they will have horrendously inconceivable gator sex that can last up to thirteen hours and caused at least three researchers to vomit.  

Mice– Mice fuck constantly. No one really knows how.

Polar Bears– Male polar bears find small bear-sized pieces of ice to float on. They set up camp and ship off drifting through the desolate ocean in hopes of finding a lady-bear drifting on her own bear-sized ice piece. When this occurs the bears then mount and counter mount each other with alternate thrusts to keep their newly formed zygotes safe from the toxic environment

Bugs– As we all remember from grade school bug class, bugs are born with inferiority complexes. Bugs have no standards and will perform sexual acts for what seems like no reason. Low self-esteem causes bugs to be constantly horny. ‘Buzzing’ is bugs humping the air hoping other bugs will like them more.

The animal kingdom is an astonishing place full of astonishing sexual acts. If you want more information, visit your local library or ask your parents during a particularly upbeat dinner conversation.

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