Study: Your Winter Despair Predicts Groundhog Day Outcome

By BD Wahlberg
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Feeling empty and numb? Haven’t had a date since August? Missing your 11am class? The cold driving you inside where your only friends are your dark room and blankets? Are those friends dirty because you lack even the energy to do laundry?

Then you’re in luck! A new study out of Pittsburgh University has shown that the worse you feel and the more you ruminate on those feelings of worthlessness, the more likely it is to be cloudy on Groundhog Day, meaning Punxsutawney Phil won’t see his shadow, which means Spring will come early! As long as you keep telling yourself that the people in your life are stupid for liking you, come Feb. 2, we won’t be slated to trudge through six more weeks of winter!

A meta-analysis of longitudinal cohort studies, all on you, have found that the power of this prediction increases to clear causation when you remember the winters when you were a kid, you know, when you used to have fun and look forward to snow days. We’ve also seen a strong interaction between the later you stay up watching video game speed-runs, the amount of daylight you waste, and the more times you let your Ramen-exclusive bowl go unwashed.

And, just in case you were starting to feel better, now that you know that you have such an influence over this important moment in our seasonal cycle, go check your phone. She hasn’t called. And she won’t.

A Small Poop on the Toilet Seat is actually an Urgent Fecal Matter.

By Ariel Pastore-Sebring

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“Help me! I can’t breathe,” squealed the little poop as bathrooms goers, one after another, ran from the stall where Jeremy lay. He was already starting to dry out and it had only been 20 minutes since his birth mother had excreted him, thus separating him from his incubating brothers and sisters. Not only was a lone soldier on this mission, but his cannon had poor aim and left him stranded on this seat, inches away from touchdown. During the blast he lost all of his weapons except his precious piece of corn that he had been saving for weeks. He reminisced of the day that the corn kernel came to him, barely touched, begging him to take care of it. He looked down at the kernel that was wedged into his side and felt reassured that at least he had this precious gem.


Every time the door would open Jeremy would look up longingly at the new guest, but the screams became tiresome and he gave up on being able to find rescue from a human. He had dreamed of this day for all his life, and yet it was nothing like he had imagined. In his adolescence he was taught that master would release him with several friends and family to begin a new journey through the bowels of the sewer system. He had dreams of meeting the legendary “Endurance Turd” who held off his own release for two weeks before being forced out by his whole clan. He was going to tour the Faces of the Feces Museum and even kiss the large gold coin that was excreted by King Tut himself. Now none of these dreams would become reality because he was alone and solidifying at a fast rate.  

Suddenly he heard a noise in the bathroom. It was a faint panting that grew louder and louder. He could hear somebody sniffing each stall and he prayed that they would not judge his appearance just as the rest had. Suddenly, the door squeaked open and a dog appeared in the entrance. Jeremy stared up at the dog praying that he too would not scream and run from the bathroom, but he did not. Instead the dog came closer sniffing the area around the seat until he stopped at Jeremy. They shared a moment of eye contact and the dog opened his mouth and ate Jeremy. Lucky Jeremy! He would have a whole new chance to make friends and to eventually be eaten again by another dog. Life is timeless and just when you’re down someone will pick you up.

Daughter Reject Daddy’s Invitation

By Holly Stavarski

https://i1.wp.com/awsimx.fathermag.com/daughter/father_daughter_8653512_XS_424x283.jpgRichard Dwyer had been planning this day for months. With the Daddy-Daughter Dance quickly approaching, he knew had to make the perfect proposal. He had a prepared a series of clues that led his “little princess” to a horse drawn carriage, where she was blindfolded and escorted to small rustic farmhouse that he had reserved and carefully decorated in pinks and purples. A trail of puppies led the “sweet angel of his life” to the backyard, where the self-proclaimed father of the year was kneeling. Once his “beautiful darling baby” took off her blindfold, he proposed.

“Will you go to the Daddy-Daughter Dance with me?”

He never imagined what would come next. Lily Dwyer, the five-year-old “dear light” of Richard’s life didn’t hesitate.

“No.”

The film crew that Richard hired to capture this sweet moment watched as Richard’s spirit shattered.

Lily giggled as her father fell apart.

“Daddy! You are silly!” she laughed as Richard, now a shell of a human being, was wailing and rolling on the ground.

“I thought my life was over. The only girl I have ever loved was rejecting me as I was on my knees,” a still sobbing Richard recalls after he was able to regain some semblance of humanity. 

“I thought to the future when I am supposed to be walking her down the aisle, and saw her slapping my hand away. I thought of all the scrapbooks of important memories we were to share together going to waste. In that moment, she was not my perfect pretty porcelain cherub any more.”

When asked why she did not want to go to the Daddy-Daughter Dance with her father, she responded,

“The Daddy Daughter Dance isn’t for six more months. I like Tommy, from across the street’s dad better and I don’t want to settle too early and not have any options.”

When asked to comment, Bryan Rosen, Tommy from across the street’s dad, stated that he is in no way involved.

Famous Musician Takes High Road, Doesn’t Urinate On Local Minor

By Cassandra DellaCorte

Hip-hop hit-maker T-Klot, of “Takin’ Em Out” fame, passed on an opportunity to urinate on a mostly nude 14 year-old Saturday evening. During a post-concert party at a local residence, Kim Williams, a freshman at Penn Hills High School, allegedly offered sexual favors to T-Klot. Travis “T-Klot” Kane, 28, remarked, “I’ve kind of got it all right now. “Taking ‘Em Out” was just number one for 3 weeks, I just played a sold-out show, and I’ve got drugs and women thrown at me left and right.”

When asked if he considered Williams’ proposal, T-Klot was candid. “Yeah,” he replied, “I mean, the chick was hot, definitely looked at least 15. And everyone’s doing it. I seriously almost did, but like, then I remembered it’s kind of illegal.” Following T-Klot’s rejection, Williams called her mother for a ride home. Later that evening, T-Klot micturated on the naked breasts of an unknown 19 year-old woman on the back porch of the residence. “Oh, I definitely did that,” T-Klot admits, “you gotta piss somewhere, you know?”

Teen Struggles to Rebel Against Liberal Parents

By I.S. Mills

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A local teen, who wishes to remain anonymous, reported on Monday that he is “going crazy” looking for ways to rebel against his open-minded, supportive parents. The teen claims he has been trying to seriously anger his parents since age fourteen.

“First I tried smoking cigarettes, but they chalked that up to youth and bought me Nicorette for whenever I was ready to quit,” he said. “Then I snuck out a few times, but my mom got teary when I told her about it because it reminded her of being a kid and she told me to ‘keep on keeping on,’ whatever the hell that means.”

The local youth claims he has tried everything from coming home drunk to plastering a bumper sticker on his van supporting the Communist Party of China. When he is feeling down, his mother shares videos of inspiring slam poetry on his Facebook page.

“I can’t even listen to good music anymore. I tried listening to alt-j but apparently my dad loves that band so now I have to listen to like Avenged Sevenfold and shit so he won’t try to connect with me about music,” he lamented. “I fucking saw him at a show one time, but luckily he didn’t see me, thank god. Imagine being afraid to see your own father at a punk festival.”

Despite his despair, the teen reports that not all is lost. Earlier in the month, he discovered that his mother did not know the meaning of the internet acronym “tl;dr” (“too long; didn’t read”).

“Hell no, I didn’t tell her what it means. I’m gonna use it as much as possible now,” he said.

7 Easy Ways to Make Your Crush Fall in Love with You Before Valentine’s Day

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By Megan Klein
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Who doesn’t want to feel loved by more than an empty box of chocolates that you bought for half off on the day after Valentine’s Day? Never worry again about missing out on the big V-day with these easy tricks to take your crush from the inescapable monotony of being unnoticed, to a first class ticket to the bone zone.
  1. Wear all black to achieve a sexy look, and light a circle of candles to spark the mood.
  2. Facebook stalk your crush by looking at pictures of them in their awkward high school years. Browse some of their most embarrassing posts, including “Like for a tbh” from 2010. Like it. Print out a picture of your dearly beloved, and place it in in the center of the candles.
  3. Fill a chalice with the blood of your enemies, and recall all the anger and frustration of your youth. Drink this blood with the ferocity of a beast, craving a hollow release. After you have quenched your ungodly thirst, prepare a lamb to be sacrificed. Ensure it is properly bound, and carefully tie a cloth over its mouth to stop the screaming.
  4. Sacrifice the lamb with a hefty dagger, and, using the blood of this once wholesome animal, draw thirteen pentagrams around the room.
  5. Meditate. Balance your chakras and focus on the burning hatred inside of you to conquer all things that belong to the light. Feel the weight of the world and conquer it with the cruel hand of misfortune.
  6. Invoke the powers of Hell. Ask Satan for energy and become one with the darkness. Read a prayer of solitude, such as:
I pray to thee that darkness shall find comfort in this place
I pray my soul will set fire to the good in this world
May the Four Crowned Princes of Hell bless me with the power and evil to set forth and bear witness to a destruction like none other
Hail Satan! Hail Satan!
Utilize the Hell fire and anguish inside of you to become one with the darkness, a fierce enemy in a world that has no hope. Scream into the blackness that has become your soul and transcend into a demonic creature. Erupt into catharsis and envision the spilled blood of your darkest enemies like a shower of rain from the heaven that does not exist. Bind yourself to the everlasting ruthless Hell fire and pledge what is left of you to Satan.
  1. Add a little extra eyeliner to make your eyes pop, and bam! That crush is all yours!

‘Eating Ass OK in 2016, not OK to Enjoy It… Yet’ Experts Say

By Grant Wicklem

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Researchers and historians at Pittsburgh University have officially given the green light to ass-eating in 2016. From their scientific journal, Sexual Tendencies, these pundits conclude that “…eating ass is now not only socially acceptable – but scientifically acceptable – thus necessary for the progression of human sexuality.”

Harold Plugg, Rectal Expert (with specialty in Analingus), and contributor to the journal, has maintained that ass-eating is a biological imperative that we should not repress.

“When someone has more crack than your shitty coke dealer, it’s in our genetic coding that we wish to feast,” said Plugg.
 
Plugg also notes that eating ass has its historical roots which people conveniently ignore. Until the Anglican Church’s takeover of England in the 6th Century, eating ass was considered a delicacy in many parts of Western Europe. Not only was it accepted, it was commonplace in most functioning marriages. After accusations of being a Pagan ritual, eating ass was officially banned in England in 634 CE.

Since then, analingus has made several resurgences, the most prominent of which following the Russian Revolution of 1917. Soviet Russia revived the long-lost art, and it subsequently made its appearances in the United States. Ass-eating, however, was eventually abandoned by Americans during the Red Scare of the 1950’s in a ‘power move’ over Soviet Russia. Joseph McCarthy, prolific anti-Communist, once famously said “The State Department is infested with sexual deviancy.”

As January marks another year, societal progression inches with it. It is now officially okay to eat ass. Sexual Tendencies did, however, remark that it will take until at least 2017 for it to be alright to enjoy the act of ass-eating, and it will be at least another six years until your parents accept it. This topic has been culturally divisive, drawing significant controversy.

“Delicious,” remarked one PornHub user, ThereWillBeBlood.

“It looked like there was a little alien baby trying to crawl out of her butt hole!!” said user Bigricksorge, in a dissenting opinion.

What do you think? Are the experts right in saying that eating ass is okay? Join the discussion at www.PittifulNews.com!


The Pornstar Nickname Generator:

By: Cat Goddess69

First Name
Birthday Month:
January Turgid
February Carnivorous
March Uncircumcised
April Monsieur
May Drippy
June Shameful
July Juicy
August Hairy
September Yeasty
October Gargling
November Cock-Juggling
December Skanky

Last Name
Birthdays:   
   
1st        Booty Wizard   
2nd        Mammoth Cock   
3rd     Mummified Egyptian
4th     Citrus Tits
5th     Kumquat Squeezer
6th     Horse Fucker
7th     Cockadile Cunter
8th     Professor Clitwick
9th     Face toilet
10th     Milk Sprayer
11th     Leather Dick
12th     Steve Jobs
13th     Pussy Pounder
14th     Gender-ambiguous seawhores
15th     Meredith
16th    Nipples
17th    Cheese Slurper
18th    Bitch-ass Aunt Joyce
19th    Michael Cera
20th    Semen Whale
21st    Dildo Hoarder
22nd    Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron
23rd    Bun Stopper
24th    Krabby Patty Secret Recipe
25th    Clit Wrangler
26th    Barack Hussein Obama
27th    Ghost of Christmas ASS
28th    Tip
29th    Cum Dumpster
30th     Crochpot Dinner
31st         Hurricane Irene