Local Woman Issues Cease and Desist to Friend Who Constantly Messages Disgusting Things

By Dippy Diplodocus

After being on the receiving end of several months’ worth of “unsolicited, inappropriate communication,” Oakland resident Kuki Sanban had had enough and decided that it was time to take legal action. This came in the form of a cease and desist letter, issued to Abigail Lincoln, who also resides here in Oakland and is a good friend of Kuki’s.

“Since our middle school days, Abigail has always been a wild card,” said Sanban. “But lately she’s been taking things too far. Day in and day out, she sends me these very gross, often sexually explicit text messages. I kept asking her to stop, but it didn’t seem like I was getting through. I felt that I had to do something drastic.”

The following are only a few of the nearly nine months’ worth of messages which Sanban received and is now submitting as evidence in her case:

Gronk could suck me dry idc idc!!!

Do you ever sit next to someone and are like wow, I was just thinking about your dick in my mouth like five minutes ago lol

Are you ever so constipated that you go and try to have sex just to push the poop out?

“That last one was the one that finally pushed me over the edge.”  Sanban revealed, sounding nearly on the verge of tears. “Why is someone who’s supposed to be my friend subjecting me to discussions of penises putting pressure against the walls of her fully packed anal canal?”

Unfortunately, even though we agree with Ms. Sanban, her friend hasn’t technically done anything illegal. So, even if Abigail continues painting vivid verbal pictures of her bowel evacuation methods, it is unlikely that any real action will be taken against her. Lincoln seems to be aware of this fact as when we reached out to her for comment, she only had this to say: “Eat my ass!”

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