By Grant Wicklem
Researchers and historians at Pittsburgh University have officially given the green light to ass-eating in 2016. From their scientific journal, Sexual Tendencies, these pundits conclude that “…eating ass is now not only socially acceptable – but scientifically acceptable – thus necessary for the progression of human sexuality.”
Harold Plugg, Rectal Expert (with specialty in Analingus), and contributor to the journal, has maintained that ass-eating is a biological imperative that we should not repress.
“When someone has more crack than your shitty coke dealer, it’s in our genetic coding that we wish to feast,” said Plugg.
Plugg also notes that eating ass has its historical roots which people conveniently ignore. Until the Anglican Church’s takeover of England in the 6th Century, eating ass was considered a delicacy in many parts of Western Europe. Not only was it accepted, it was commonplace in most functioning marriages. After accusations of being a Pagan ritual, eating ass was officially banned in England in 634 CE.
Since then, analingus has made several resurgences, the most prominent of which following the Russian Revolution of 1917. Soviet Russia revived the long-lost art, and it subsequently made its appearances in the United States. Ass-eating, however, was eventually abandoned by Americans during the Red Scare of the 1950’s in a ‘power move’ over Soviet Russia. Joseph McCarthy, prolific anti-Communist, once famously said “The State Department is infested with sexual deviancy.”
As January marks another year, societal progression inches with it. It is now officially okay to eat ass. Sexual Tendencies did, however, remark that it will take until at least 2017 for it to be alright to enjoy the act of ass-eating, and it will be at least another six years until your parents accept it. This topic has been culturally divisive, drawing significant controversy.
“Delicious,” remarked one PornHub user, ThereWillBeBlood.
“It looked like there was a little alien baby trying to crawl out of her butt hole!!” said user Bigricksorge, in a dissenting opinion.
What do you think? Are the experts right in saying that eating ass is okay? Join the discussion at www.PittifulNews.com!