Obama Pardons Coddled Thanksgiving Turkey

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The tradition of U.S Presidents pardoning the First Turkey every Thanksgiving is an amusing institution with uncertain, if not mythical roots. Many believe it began in 1924 when Calvin Coolidge, tired of eating his wife’s famous Turkey Butt dish, officially allowed the game to go free. Since that year, the president always allows one lucky bird to abstain from the annual genocide of its kind.

However, never has there been a more undeserving fowl to receive this treatment than 2015’s Darius J Turkey III. Darius is a trust fund poult who was raised free-range in the South of France on a farm owned by the lovechild of Marilyn Monroe and Denny’s CEO John C. Miller. Since his hatching, he has been waited on wing and talon.
Yeah I got the dodge, but I think I speak for turkeys everywhere when I say that I deserved it.” Turkey explains between lines of coke, “We live in a society where only the strong survive, and if that means I am a free bird when others get the axe, so be it.” When pressed to clarify his statement, J-Turks threw up all over the many microphones.
The application process to be the pardoned turkey is one fraught with corruption. It considers recommendations, resumes, and the votes from last season’s American Idol Top 8. Many recent winners have been accused of winning due to having influential turkey parents while others were said to have gotten the edge after rave reviews from Keith Urban and Jennifer Lopez.
Darius J Turkey III is just one of many examples of how a flawed system can make a mockery of a once proud tradition.

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Purgatory: Worse Than Hell?

By Steven Jaindl
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(Editor’s Note: The Pittiful News sent an investigative journalist to purgatory to detail his experiences. The following article is excerpted from a prolix poem he wrote, delivered to The Pittiful News offices by Virgil)
I find myself walking toward an edifice;
What this building is or what it does contain
I do not know as it was steeped in a mist.
I use not heroic couplets or quatrains,
For this is purgatory and I must use
Terza rima, with compositional pains.
As I walk a man trails me like a caboose;
Nearly together we approach a glass door,
Which I open easily for it was loose.
Turning my head I wish I could ignore
That my compatriot is quite far behind,
Although not so far as to not hold the door.
Thinking to myself, “To him I shall be kind!”
I hold the door for him as he keeps walking;
He comes no closer, and I am in a bind.
I ponder, “Shall I persist in my holding
Of this door for this man until I am numb?
Or should I continue my walk, committing sin?”
This dilemma persists ad infinitum
As I hold this door ‘til I am beyond sick
In this timeless, frictionless continuum.
My advice: to stragglers be a complete dick,
And do not hold any doors in their midst;
And if you plan to die, don’t be Catholic. 

An Erotic Holiday Tale

By: C. Knif

I climbed onto Santa’s lap and told him exactly what I wanted. It was ten days before Christmas, and I know it’s just a guy in a costume, but I needed my fix. I whispered into the jolly man’s ear while I caressed his inner thigh, “All I want for Christmas is your candy cane in my stocking.” The drunken Macy’s Santa just looked into my eyes and loudly said, “I’ll be sure that pony is under your tree.” And then he fell into my breasts and I felt his fake beard get stuck on my bra.  I then brushed his hair with my hand lightly as the elfish helpers suggested I head home while Santa took a break. Little did they know that this quick interaction with faux Saint Nick would satiate my sexual needs until the big day. I of course masturbated with a miniature nativity set for six hours every day until Christmas Eve. 
I woke up on the 24th of December and boy was I ready. In just 18 hours, my big jolly Daddy would be inside me, shooting off his milk and cookies inside me. Just the thought of it makes me as wet as the Christmas ham. I spend all day getting ready by hanging ornaments from my labia and draping garland ‘round my bosoms. Midnight strikes, and the rest of my family is asleep and in bed, but I begin tiptoeing down to the Christmas tree where I unwrap all my presents for Santa and lay waiting. Around two in the morning, I hear a sensual “Ho, ho where is my favorite mistle hoooooo” coming down the chimney. 

He brought me up the chimney with him and set me into his sleigh. “It’s too dark, Jolly Saint Nick, I can’t see my favorite Christmas tree good enough to give it a good suckling,” I said as Mr. Claus just looked my naked body up and down, licked his lips, and said,” Rudolph! Can you help a brotha’ out?” Rudolph walked over and lit up his bright red nose so that Santa would have plenty of view of all my fixings. Rudolph sat down and started jerking his Reindeer dick off with his hooves. Santa laid me down gently on the seat of his sleigh and undid the button on his red velvet pants, and he wasn’t wearing any underwear. We began making love the whole way to the North Pole.

Pop Singer Announces Everything Will be All Right

By Ilya Yashin

Jackie Jackety-Rockman rocking it like a rock

Pop singer-songwriter Jackie Jackety-Rockman announced at a press conference last Friday that everything will be all right if you follow your heart. “Open up your heart and let it sing,” he said to a group of straight-faced middle-aged reporters, adding that he saw her walking down the street and she looked good.

Speaking about the recent scandal, Jackety-Rockman said that he didn’t know what he was doing, baby, but he did it anyway. He also urged reporters to just be themselves and let the chips fall where they may because if they believe in themselves nothing else will matter. “You rocked my world, baby, oooooh yeah,” Jackety-Rockman said.

At press time, Jackety-Rockman was so lonely he didn’t know what to do and whenever he could he would think of you.

Fun Halloween Costumes on a Budget

By John Garry

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1. King Kong- climb to the top of the Cathedral of Learning.  You’ll be so far up it doesn’t even matter what you wear.  Just start yelling and swinging around and shit.  Be sure to throw some R/C planes off the top for good measure, so people know you’re not just a crazy person.
2. The Raccoon – Wear nothing except a black bandana around your head with eye holes cut it.  Then, being true to your raccoon nature, steal all the alcohol at the party and scamper away into the night.
3. Baseball Player – Steal a Frat Boy’s backwards hat and your little brother’s T-ball bat and go around hitting everyone’s drinks out of their hands.  Make sure you yell “And the crowd goes WILD” every time you do it, for the effect.
4. Policeman – This one costs a little up front, but it is important to go all out and get the look just right.  You will more than make up the difference in the amount of confiscated alcohol you collect throughout the night.

5. Chancellor Gallagher – For this costume you just need to have extremely dry skin.  A simple can of green lead-based paint finishes this look off perfectly.  *Guaranteed to be a crowd favorite.

Dear Danezie

By Dana Good
Dear Danezie,
I’m in General Chemistry and I’m having trouble understanding precipitation reactions. What are your favorite study tips?
Sincerely, Lost.

Dear Lost,
I’m in General Chemistry too and I have a little story that I think will help you out. Yesterday, I found myself wandering through the aisles of Rite Aid, partly because I gave up on bullshitting my way through this week’s Chem homework and wanted a snack, but mostly because I’m a lazy asshole that has nothing better to do in her free time and won’t amount to anything, ever. Walking by the greeting cards, I remembered that my

boyfriend’s birthday is in a couple of weeks and I should probably get him a cute card, or some shit like that. I picked up the first one I saw under “Romantic Birthday for Him,” read it, and laughed out loud. It was not meant to be funny. This happened multiple times until I stopped and thought to myself, “I know I’m an insensitive bitch, but why are these all so fucking stupid?” If I had to paraphrase all of the romantic birthday cards, it would go a little something like this, “My darling love honey bunchkins angel cuppy cake sugar pie, I love you so frickin’ much that every time I think of your face, I jizz sparkles and rainbows into my pants. Happy Birthday, I love you.” All of the cards were so vaguely erotic I couldn’t help but think they were written by a lonely 50 year-old woman, sitting in an apartment full of cats, who masturbates to teen vampire fanfic.

Lost, my advice to you would be to make a homemade card for your boyfriend. Take a piece of paper, fold it, and write something along the lines of, “Sorry for that one time when I kind of accidentally bit you mid-bajowski. Happy Birthday.” It means so much more when it comes from the heart.

Sincerely,

Danezie

New Spring 2016 Classes to Focus on You

By Ilya Yashin

You work hard. You shell out an exorbitant tuition. You are entitled to feel good about every aspect of yourself. And for that, you need a customized education that focuses on you. This is why, starting in spring 2016, the Youniversity of Pittsburgh will offer the following courses that will marshal carefully picked evidence to nourish your self-esteem:

  • Literature and You. Over the centuries of literature, there is nothing, no matter how dumb, prejudiced, or wrong, that hasn’t been written by someone whose works are still around. In this class you will learn to find literary quotes from respectable-sounding authors to support any of your current opinions, arguments, or decisions. Who would dare to argue with the great thinker you’re quoting? Besides accumulating an arsenal of quotes to make any nonsense sound intellectual, you will learn to show your peers and elders how well-read you are and get the adoration you deserve.
  • Ethics and You. There are so many complicated ethical issues, with sound arguments on each side…which one of them is right? The one you already hold, of course! No matter what you’ve come to believe and how, in this class you will find a sophisticated ethical argument supporting your stance with fancy language. Why learn something that makes you feel bad about yourself when you can find a philosophical way to feel good about yourself, especially when you are right?! Say goodbye to doing wrong and feeling guilty!
  • History and You. There is enough in history to depress anyone…but who wants that? You don’t pay tuition and work so hard to be sad! In this class you will cherry-pick historical facts and points of view to construct a historical narrative that makes you feel good about the group of your choice — be it national, racial, religious, or any other — and that supports any agenda you want to push. Since we can’t ever know the whole truth, you will learn to find the partial truth that makes you feel good.
  • Quantum Physics and You. Do you hold some kind of New-Age-esque mystic beliefs about Life, Consciousness, and the Nature of the Universe but have trouble defending them to yourself or others? Now you have quantum physics on your side — what can be more concrete and irrefutable?! In this class you will learn the weird but true aspects of quantum physics in terms broad enough to allow you to use them as proof for anything weird but inspiring you might want to believe. Non-locality and wavefunction collapse, wave-particle duality and the uncertainty principle — quantum physics has enough easily misinterpreted oddities for you to convince yourself that your mystic beliefs are scientific, not a hodgepodge of vaguely spiritual mumbo-jumbo! 
  • Health Science and You. Worried that your lifestyle may be unhealthy but don’t want to change it? There are health studies to rid you of your worries. In this class you will sift through thousands of studies of varying quality to find enough to convince yourself that you are (and always have been) making healthy choices, no matter what they are. After all, choices are healthy only if they make you feel good about yourself!

That Guy You Vaguely Remember Will Keep Nodding to You

 By Ilya Yashin

Remember that guy you had a class with some time ago, and made small talk with? “I remember you just as vaguely,” he said, “and I, too, will keep nodding silently to you when we see each other.”

Asking not to reveal his name so that you two remain anonymous to each other, he said, “At some point you might want to start treating me like a total stranger but I won’t let that happen. It’s wrong to forget people you’ve had brief, meaningless conversations with.”
He will seek you out. You’ll start “accidentally” seeing him more and more often, and will have to meet his seeking eyes at some point.
“We’ll be on the same elevator, with just enough people so that you know I’m there but don’t feel obligated to talk to me.”
You’ll be in the same line at the store.
“On a half-empty bus with me.”
In the same computer lab.
“I’ll start dining at your favorite joint, studying at your favorite place.”
A few people away from you at graduation, there he’ll be, waiting for your awkward nod, your faint smile.

The guy who knows and cares about you as little as you do about him said it just might so happen that he’ll start working at a construction site across from your house. “Who knows, maybe we’ll have to nod to each other when I clean the windows of your office building and when you happen to see me on the street every day at seemingly random times,” he said. The anticipation of meeting his eyes at an unexpected place and nodding to him with an odd smile will consume your days.

“You will nod to my image in the lonely darkness of your room,” he said.

Letter From the Editors

Dear Readers,
As you very well know, The Pittiful News has a long running series of (100% true) stories about Pitt’s chancellor, Patrick Gallagator, a well known lizard-person. Important facts about the Gallagator include that he lives in a dungeon under the cathedral and leaves shed skin all over the place. Our dear friends over at The Black Sheep, a “humor” publication with branches on many college campuses including Pitt, recently “borrowed” this idea in an article about conspiracy theories. Now we understand why they would “borrow” this material, since it is so groundbreaking and captivating, but fair is fair and The Pittiful News will now have to “borrow” something from The Black Sheep. The only problem is, none of their articles would fit our high standards and thus we feel it is unfair to subject our readers to such inane drivel. But when The Black Sheep publishes something good enough for us to “borrow” we’ll be sure to let you know! Actually, we won’t, it’ll just be slipped into the paper with no credit whatsoever. This holiday season, we are thankful for you, our loyal readers, for your occasional and sparse support!
Sincerely,


Hannah Lynn and Holly Stavarski

Editors in Chief

Rapper Hospitalized after "Keepin’ it @ a hunnit all day, erry day"

By Tom Harnett

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On Oct. 27, Local Rapper, Lil Creamsicle, was hospitalized.  The media has been kept in the dark for the most part, but inside sources have leaked some information on the up and coming rapper.

Apparently, Creamsicle has been working on a song and, as is his process, has been, “Keepin’ it @ a hunnit all day, erry day.”  This is common practice for rappers now-a-days. They want to produce the best quality music and what better way is there to do that than to constantly stay @ a hunnit?  The problem is that it may not be a sustainable lifestyle.

 
Dr. Combs, who has been working around the clock on Creamsicle since his arrival, says, “Listen, we would all keep it @ a hunnit all day, erry day if we could.  The problem is it just isn’t healthy.  We recommend you dial it back about thirty or forty in the evenings and overnight.” He goes on, “Especially at this time of year, the leaves are changing, it’s getting dark around 7, remaining @ a hunnit just isn’t feasible.”
Lil Creamsicle’s single “Cream on the inside, Orange Flavor-ice on the outside” will drop in a fortnight.