Dead Roommate Refuses to Pay Rent

By Holly Stavarski

    Two years ago, when best friends Jillian Holmes, Jacklyn Moore, and Tara Washington moved in together, they never thought anything would get in the way of their unwavering bond. That was until Jacklyn Moore suddenly died.

“I was devastated. She was my best friend,” said Jillian Holmes, who had known Jacklyn since pre-school, “I thought that I was never going to see her again, but now I can’t wait for this bitch to leave.”

After her tragic death, instead of taking advantage of eternal rest, Jacklyn has remained a resident in the apartment she and her friends shared and has been “more active and inconsiderate than ever.”

“Jacklyn used to be a really chill girl,” said Tara, Jacklyn’s friend since freshman year, “But now, she is up at all hours of the night slamming doors, pushing our décor off the tables, moaning – it never stops.”

According to Jillian, Jacklyn’s actions escalated drastically when they attempted to sublet her room.

“Our first, and last, subletter woke up in the middle of the night to find the walls bleeding and Jacklyn hovering over her shrieking. Even though, she moved out immediately, the walls still bleed. We are never going to get our security deposit back”

Tara, who used to be an avid socialite, is scared to entertain.

“I can never invite any one over, because you never know when Jacklyn is going to show up. She never showers, so whenever she is coming you become overwhelmed with this putrid smell of rotting flesh. Then, depending on her mood, she will start throwing books or demonic hands will come out of the walls. Its really annoying and it scares everyone away.”

Because they cannot have any one over, let alone have anyone move in to help out with the rent, Jillian and Tara have demanded that, if Jacklyn plans on staying in the house, she needs to pay. 

“She is here more than either of us and causes such a disturbance that she owes us,” says Tara. “It also doesn’t help that her weird boyfriend is always here.”

When initially confronted by her roommates about the rent, Jacklyn appeared as a full body apparition, melted her “flesh” off, and attacked Jillian and Tara with a swarm of ghost bees. Both agreed that her answer was “pretty clear.”

At press time, Jillian and Tara have been conferring with their landlord on how to exorcise her from the house and take her off the lease.

Top 5 Greatest Halloween Movies

It’s that time of year folks! Yes, that time when you curl up with steaming cup of pumpkin-spiced absinthe and watch your favorite hair-raising flicks! Here are five favorite Halloween classics hand-picked by exorcists. I mean experts.

1. The Pumpkin’s Revenge – Everyone loves this classic tale of rotting ghost pumpkins from years past that come back to haunt their owners for carving into their face with a knife and then leaving them on the porch for the raccoons to feast on.
2. I Know What You Did To Marc Summers – When four high schoolers accidentally kill Marc Summers, host of Food Network’s “Unwrapped” he comes back to torment them and also forces them to learn how twinkies are made. (Food Network puppet, host of “Unwrapped)
3. The Sting – What’s that noise? It’s a song. It’s been following you around for days. It’s sending an SOS? You’re sending out an SOS! It’s THE STING.
4. Nutmeg’s Child – A sprite young gal named believes that her unborn child might be of a different…variety. The truth is only revealed when she gives birth to Oregano!
5. Elf – An adult man thinks he’s actually an Elf and it’s really weird.

An Open Letter to the Person Wearing a Human-Sized Electrical Outlet Costume Last Year

by John Scarry

Dear Person Wearing a Human-Sized Electrical Outlet Costume Last Year,

      

Look… I’m sorry.  It was wrong of me to demand that you charge my phone with your genital area.

       I shouldn’t have lost my temper.

       I shouldn’t have thrown your phone on the ground and curb-stomped it, yelling “If my phone is going to be dead then, goddamnit, so is yours!”

       I never expected 3/4 of a can of Miller Lite would put me in such a belligerent state.

       I apologize for dragging you over to the wall and sticking your finger in the outlet to “show you what electricity REALLY is” and for adding that you were a “know-nothing snot-nosed little twat” who was “an atrociously designed appliance” because your “steady stream of tears would obviously short circuit the electrical current in no time.”  I also apologize for recommending that your creator(s) be “banished to the lowest bowels of hell.”

       I’m sorry for demanding Tribute and taking all your candy. That crossed a line.

       I’m sorry for defacing your house the next day. I now realize that must have put you in an uncomfortable situation with your landlord.

       I’m sorry for writing a letter of Defamation on your behalf to all of the internships you applied for last summer.

       Most of all, I’m sorry for not acknowledging you in market the other day. That was simply uncalled-for. I hope you accept my apologies and we can be friends.

Love,

John

P.S. To the Person I Meet This Year in Halloween,

I apologize in advance. 

Scientists Discover Statue of Huge Middle Finger on Mars

By Claudia Glogowska

The discovery of liquid water on the surface of Mars has caused quite a stir among the scientific community as there is now more evidence than ever that humans may not be the only speck of life in the universe. On top of this, the Curiosity Rover recently sent back perplexing photos from the red planet that very well may present the biggest breakthrough for NASA to date.

The images, which depict what appears to be a gigantic and suspiciously detailed statue of a middle finger, arrived in the station at 6:37 pm on October 22. The group of scientists focusing on the Mars project are currently still attempting to solve the mystery of its origin and meaning. 

“It’s still too early to tell, but we have strong reason to believe that this was set up by some sort of advanced alien civilization that is perhaps still angry about E.T,” says John Grunsfeld, astronaut and associate administrator of NASA’s Science Mission Directorate in Washington. “If you look at the careful way in which the surface of the hand and finger were crafted, there is absolutely no way this statue could have just appeared out of nowhere. And it sure isn’t just a play on our perspective as our cameras and equipment are the most advanced they’ve ever been. Just examine the photo.” 

Although the message seems to be clear, NASA refuses to make a concrete statement as to what this discovery entails. In fact, NASA plans on sending additional and more advanced drones to Mars within the next couple of months. “We just can’t be sure. We better really get in there and start digging around for more data,” commented one of the members of the team. 

Despite the excitement of the discovery, there is no doubt that the aura of mystery around the seemingly familiar planet keeps on growing along with the paranormal discoveries which continue to be made there.

7 Ways to Spice Up Your Love Life this Halloween

By I.S. Chills

Is your bedroom lacking a little oomph? These seasonal ideas will be sure to make things a little more exciting for you and your man.

1) Fake Blood

Sure, you’ve heard of chocolate sauce, but blood? Trust us, whip out some fake blood and your man may just go full-out vampire!

2) Fog Machine

Forget candles! Rent out one of these bad boys for a sensual night of spooky ambience.

3) Seasonal Beverage

Tired of Astroglide? We found Starbucks’ infamous Pumpkin Spice Latte to double as a delicious and effective personal lubricant.

4) Convincing Mask

Have a thing for Ronald Reagan? So do we, after we tried out some of our local Halloween stores’ masks in the bedroom. Our favorites were the Gov. Chris Christie Deluxe Mask ($19.99) and the Leatherface Deluxe Mask ($54.99).

5) Cornucopia

Okay, this one is technically a Thanksgiving item, but who cares? Use one as a hat, codpiece, or ear trumpet, pair with spooky lingerie, and, voila! Date night is exciting again.

6) Animatronics

If you have a larger budget, and a hunger for voyeurism, an animatronic decoration is perfect to give you and your partner that spine-tingling “we’re being watched” feeling. Try Spirit Halloween’s 6’ Twitching Banshee ($199.99) or the classic 6.5’ Animated Bog Reaper ($269.99).

7) Gourds

You know exactly what to do with these.

Ronald’s Mission

By Danial Smith

“Who the fuck are you?”

I jolted up and looked around the room . Two people stood in front of me, waiting for an answer. It was then that I noticed that they were not people. They were skeletons. And the room was on fire.

“Who the fuck are you?” one of the skeletons repeated. “Are you fucking stupid?”

He took a step toward me, and I flinched back. The sheets came off a bit, exposing some of my body. Or lack thereof. I noticed that I was also a skeleton and proceeded to scream.

The skeleton slapped me. “Look, guy, I don’t know who you are or why you’re in my house so you better start giving me some answers. Who are you?”

“I… I don’t know. Where am I? What’s going on?” Then it all hit me. My name is Ronald and I’m on a mission. A mission bestowed upon me by the cosmos to restore the order of the universe. I must unite a team of super-warriors and fight the King of Bad… Donald Trump.

“Is this guy a fucking idiot? Doesn’t even know his own name… Holy fuck. And now he’s just staring into space. Fuck me.”

“My name is Ronald. It is my mission to assemble a team of warriors to defeat the King of Bad. You two are going to help me. What are your names?”

The two skeletons stood there, shocked. “Guy, did you just say… defeat the KING OF BAD? Are you insane?”

“That’s my mission. And you two are supposed to help me. What are your names?”

“Uh… I’m Phil, and this is Bernadette.”

“Great. Let’s get moving. We’ve got a lot of work to do.”

to be continued…

Super Seniors Track Terrifying Party Animal

By B.D. Wahlberg

Previously! Chief Nemesis Crippling Debt dealt with deftly; Shapeshifting Super Senior Justice League Leader Major Changer finally a graduate; Super Speedy Whirlwind of (previously) bad decisions, Downward Spiral now leading; and B.D. Wahlberg inducted as The Power-Nap!

Recent pre-Halloween parties have been breaking up early in some rather bloody finishes. Mauled students claim that a real live panther, quote, “was suddenly all up in here and like tried to bite my face off and shit!” No one ever remembers having let a panther in the front door, quote, “You don’t have a stamp on your hand, you didn’t give me five bucks, get the fuck out, kid!” But everyone remembers its exit, quote, “You think I would scratch up my own carpet?! Shit, I’m trying to get my security deposit back at the end of all this. Fuckin’ panther, yo!”

The Super Senior Justice League has been swinging around the party scene in the ScholarShip (don’t worry, Future Shock is designated driver), staying on high alert while gettin’ down. We’re bumpin’ to “22” at that house with the cut-out of Nordy in the window on Oakland Ave – suddenly! Shrieks of panic, a howl and a broken pane of glass. Downward Spiral chases after the mountain cat as Miss’d Graduation provides emergency medical care. Before heading back to the Secret Super Senior (and Señiorita) Solitude Sanctum, we found a clue. The tattered remains of a Pitt Band hoodie, hanging on the broken window.

Downward Spiral was back to our base by the time we had the hoodie up as lost on Pittsburgh University’s Free & For Sale Facebook group. “Of course I lose it in Panther Hollow; damn forest cat’s a quick shit.” Miss’d Graduation reappeared from lab analysis, “These tatters aren’t from being torn off of a band kid. This hoodie burst off of a band kid! D.S. … I think we’ve got a WerePanther on our hands!” Downward looked solemnly as she picked at a hole in her jeans and faced the wall of monitors. “Power-Nap, get some rest, if you snooze, we might not lose!”

Will the Super Seniors subdue this partying pupil turned pernicious panther? Will the Power-Nap prove to be a promising participant? Will that guy ever get his security deposit back!? Find out! At http://www.PittifulNews.com!

PSA To Parents Who Give Out Raisins on Halloween

By Hannah Lynn

 

Dear Parents,

Thanks for all that you do. You’ve raised children and helped bring the miracle of life into this crazy world. I personally love my parents for sharing their wisdom and inspiring me every day! But some of us are not so lucky. To those parents who give out raisins instead of candy on Halloween: FUCK YOU!! How DARE you ambush young trick or treaters that way? I mean I know the word trick is in the title but for pete’s sake! Kids are better off finding razors in their candy than this. It is truly a repulsive act and a huge smear of poop on the face of humanity. I would rather get one hundred [Charleston Chews] than a single box of raisins. You’re even worse than the guy who gives out a toothbrush! I mean he’s a condescending piece of shit wet blanket, but at least I’ll get some use out of a toothbrush. I will NEVER get any use out of raisins. FUCK YOU!!

All my love,

Timmy

Special Feature: Year of the Humans

By John Garry

        As many of you know, there is exciting news from the Provost’s Office: academic year 2015-2016 is the year of the Humanities! On August 27th, 2015, Provost Patricia E(-Z Money) Beeson broke the silence, asking all to contribute to the overarching theme of “Being Human.”  This pronouncement by the Pitt front office of course represents a big 180º turn for the University.  No one needs a reminder of the disastrous “Year of the Automatons” in academic year ’05-’06.  The statistics from that year alone were heartrending (for everyone except the automatons): 1,896 broken bones in the first-annual humans vs. robots charity football game; 53 failed body augmentations by engineering students trying to compete with the computing power of their new “classmates”; let’s not even go into the computer glitch that organized an automaton attack on Panther hall, delaying its opening by two years.

        So before you go rush to sign up for all the humanities classes Pitt has to offer, wait.  The hard-working researchers at the Pittiful News have already scoured through classes to find you the best of the best.

        Studio Arts 0120* Foundation Color- This class is a perennial fan favorite.  Each class period is a field trip around campus, where students observe others from afar and judge the makeup of their unknowing targets.  There are two midterms and a final, in which the students have to find a target in Hillman and go fix the makeup of said target, with or without the permission of the unexpected studier.

        English Literature 0642 Comedy
        English Literature 0643 Satire – These two prerequisites to the Pittiful News, taught by the esteemed Teli Albert, serve as foundations to all that we hold dear. The class will become infinitely harder now and in future semesters, as the only subject matter (The Colbert Report and the Daily Show with Jon Stewart) no longer exist as they did in the past to provide social commentary on current events.  While researchers at the Pittiful News were not able to find out where the new subject matter would come from, sources lead us to believe that the class topics will most likely be from established satirical sources, such as the Onion or the satire section of the Pitt News.

        Geography 0810* Earth and People- This course absolutely put the “Human” in “Year of the Humanities.” Weekly assignments include “kidborrowing,” – bringing a new individual to class for observation and discussion.  Group projects include observing the reactions of subjects who, while not aware they are being studied, have heaps and mounds of earth thrown upon them.

Music 0100 Fundamentals of Western Music
Music 0211 Introduction to Western Art Music
Music 0222 History of Western Music to 1750
Music 0224 History of Western Music since 1750
Music 1226 History of Western Music 3 – This five-semester series of classes is based solely on the glory that is Lady Gaga. ‘Nough said.

English Literature 1645 Critical Approach to Children’s Lit- What underlying aspect of the human experience is Theodore Geisel trying to make us recognize by advising us to “Hop on Pop”? This class explores everything you never wanted to speculate about your favorite books growing up.  Was the Magic Treehouse really about adventure and imagination? Or did faceless multinational corporations subliminally influence children to be more accepting of hallucinogenic drug culture?

While there is not enough room in this entire newspaper to go into depth about all the great humanities classes that Pitt has to offer, we hope this brief glimpse of courses has gotten you as excited as everyone here at the Pittiful News already is for the Year of the Humanities.

A Halloween Tale

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

—

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

—

TATTARATTAT

HHHMMMMMMMMM

CLICKCLACKCLICKCLACKCLICKCLACK

CREAKYCREEAAAAAK

—

HHHMM?

—

CREAKY—

thud

—

thud

HHHHHMMMMMM

THUD

HHHHWWWHHaaa—

THUD

BABABADALGHARAGHTAKAMMINARRONNKONNBRONNTONNERRONNTUONNTHUNNTROVARRHOUNAWNSKAWNTOOHOOHOORDENENTHURNUK

YYYAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHH

—

MEOWMEOWMEOWMIOUAMEOWMIOUAMIOUEYMOOUERYERYMIOUAMEOW MEOW

WWEEeeerereWEEER BUMP

XX