Dead, Racially Ambiguous, Orphan Wins The Voice on Backstory Alone

By Critter Fink
A young boy without a name was recently given a record deal with Adam Levine’s label; Exploit the Youth, after winning the ninth season of The Voice. The boy was eight years old when he died of something his doctors described as, “similar to Benjamin Button disease but in reverse.” A producer of the show heard the story of the young, dead, racially ambiguous orphaned boy while visiting his grandmother in the hospital after her breast augmentation and realized that he’d be perfect for the singing competition. He dragged his little body bag to the auditions that day and made Carson Daley tell the world the boy’s story in a very sad voice. Though the boy could not physically sing when put on the stage because he was dead, Adam Levine and Blake Shelton still turned their chairs. “I just had a feeling about this one, I just kind of knew from his aur—oar-uhh? O’Hara? What’s that last word on this script, they didn’t teach us that in my schooling days,” says Shelton as producers shuffle him off of the stage.

The racially ambiguous, dead, young boy advanced each week after more and more of his backstory was revealed. His mother was a direct descendant of Harriet Tubman and Sitting Bull. His parents died in a car accident, both completely deaf, both with every type of stage four cancer to ever exist. His father’s ethnicity was the ‘would rather not respond’ option on the SAT. His coach, Adam Levine, couldn’t work with his singing technique because by week four he was decomposing in front of the audience’s eyes, “It’s really an incredible thing to watch this completely dead person, up there just putting his all in, it’s amazing really,” says Pharrell who is sometimes a coach on The Voice.

Audience member Joe Thaplummer says he kept voting for the boy because, “He’s a freaking orphan people! And he’s freaking dead! And yet here he is silently singing his heart out, changing lives.” Thaplummer proceeded to wipe a solitary tear from his eye. The dead orphan’s album will drop on October 15th including the title track, ‘Hella Turnt, Hella Dead’ featuring Blue Ivy and it will be exclusively available on Tidal.

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