Man shocked to discover his blood is not blue before it hits the air

By Hannah Lynn

Coikes Montero had his whole world turned upside down last week when his doctor informed him that, despite his long held belief that blood is blue until it is exposed to the air, the blood in his body is red 100% of the time.
“I can’t believe this! I’m just flabbergasted,” Montero said. “My whole life, since I was a wee babe, I’ve been told by my peers that the blood in our veins is blue! And I believed it, I mean look!” he said, pointing to his blue veins.
Montero fell victim to the widespread myth that many children are told and believe until they are old to see its flawed logic. Montero appears to have skipped this stage. “It’s just the light that makes veins appear blue,” said Lou Lee, Montero’s doctor. “I bet this guy still thinks his elbow is double jointed. Everyone is dumb. I should’ve set the world on fire ages ago!” Lee said before breaking into maniacal laughter.
Montero was still trying to process the new information. “I mean what’s next? Are you gonna tell me that my elbow isn’t double jointed?!” he yelled at the small circles of doctors and nurses that had formed around him to witness the incredible scene. No one answered him. They all looked down at their clipboards. “Oh No. No No No. NO. NOOOOO!” Montero yelled before running out the door and tripping over the hospital gown he had insisted on wearing.

Apple Ear-Bud Sales Spike, Q-tips Declares Bankruptcy

By Phil Forrence
The geniuses at Apple have done it again. “We figured, the ears are the most important body part to our sales, right???” says Dr. Gentry, head of the Sound-To-Brain department at Apple. “Well if ears are so meaningful to us, why wouldn’t we try to keep them cleaned out as well as entertained?”
The new Apple ear buds feature an inner-ear-shaped probe that puts the speaker closer to your eardrum and thus has the added ability to scoop out that excess ear wax any time you feel like jamming out!
“I love them.” Raves nineteen-year old Nathan Young, “People always used to want to steal my headphones, but now that I have personalized my new apple ear-buds with my own coating of cerumen, I can safely keep them visible in any social situation.”

“We regret to inform the public, that the point in history when one had to shove a cotton-stick into his ear to keep it marginally cleaner, has ended,” begins the official statement from Q-tips, “however, Q-tips will live on in the hearts, minds, and, due to a few regrettable misadventures, the ears of our users.” The company went on to say it will donate its unsold inventory to retirement homes and aging heavy metal bands.

Pitt Football Makes Strides

By John Garry
In light of yet another disappointing performance, many among the Pitt student body are in despair. After suffering through a season in which performances cycled from meaningless (62-0 thrashing of Sister Mary’s School for the Blind the University of Delaware) to dismal (NCAA record 5 turnovers in the first half amidst a 46-0 ass-whooping from Georgia Tech) to heartbreaking (double-overtime loss to Duke with a missed field goal), many Panther supporters lost faith in humanity once again while watching Pitt give up 293 yards and 29 points in the fourth quarter of the Armed Forces Bowl against the University of Houston.

As bleak as things may seem around Oakland, there is yet hope.  Hard-hitting computational analysis proves that the Pitt football team is actually making strides, and quite a few of them.  According to my notepad filled with tally marks, the Panthers made about 67,000 strides during the Armed Forces Bowl.
Alan Bundy, Head Defensive Coordinator for the University of Austin Badgers, was among those in attendance at the game.  “The defense in that last quarter was atrocious.  Miscommunication seemed to be everywhere, and blown coverages and missed assignments cost [the Panthers] the game,” said Bundy.  “But boy,” he added, “I’ll tell you what, those strides were textbook.”
Researchers at the UCLA Beedner School of Sports Science agree.  “We have created a computational model, called our Pittsburgh Optimized Running Network (P.O.R.N.) Database, to analyze just how good those Pitt Panthers are at striding.  We were blown away by the results.  After countless hours reviewing and closely examining our P.O.R.N. Database, we have come to the conclusion that Pitt might just be the best striding team in the country.  Sure, they are not terrific at tackling and they could use a hand in grabbing the loose balls during onside kicks, but they finish second to none in striding.”

While South O might not erupt with excitement or optimism at the thought of the fourth new head coach in four years, they can at the very least take heart that their boys on the field are making strides.

Hoarding Relieves Yet Terrifies Roommates

By Holly Stavarski

Living on a budget is hard for many college students, especially those who relied on their parents for money before going away to school. But with each year at school comes recognition of new and inventive ways to save money. Alli Bernardi, a junior at the University of Pittsburgh, struggled to maintain the lifestyle that she was used to at home in her freshman year.

“I completely blew my budget by October. I was out of money, had no job, and was forced to call my parents to supplement my bank account. Eventually, when they realized how much online shopping I was doing, they weren’t as sympathetic and they stopped giving me money,” Bernardi said.

Without the help of her parents’ seemingly endless flow of cash, Bernardi knew that she was going to have to be more careful and creative in the way that she saved money.

“Over the winter break I watched a lot of Extreme Couponing and Extreme Cheapskates on TLC and took notes. With their tips, I completely changed how I budgeted and how I saved. My life hasn’t been the same,” she said.
Since that fateful semester, Bernardi has been clipping coupons, shopping bargain brands, and taking loose University supplies. She now lives in a small apartment with two other girls and a stockpile of beauty and cleaning supplies that lines the hallways, stairs, and fills the living room.
“The majority of my stockpile comes from coupons. I spend 27 hours planning my shopping list, calculating, and cutting coupons weekly. I refuse to spend money on paper towels, toilet paper, and trash bags. Those can easily be found in any Cathedral bathroom and are 100 percent up for grabs.”
As Bernardi was showing The Pittiful News around her house, we noticed her two roommates, crushed by a shelf full of diapers (which Bernardi admits to buying just because they were on sale). Vivianne Polanco and Farah Washington had been trapped under the shelf for three hours before we arrived.
“I love the security of having 30 giant rolls of toilet paper, but I am terrified every time I walk down the hall. Each trip to the kitchen could be my last,” said Washington as we helped her out from under the rubble.
Polanco was visibly shaken as we sat her down on a couch with a blanket and some hot tea and refused to comment as she crossed herself and silently prayed.

Though her roommates struggle with the conditions, Bernardi says its well worth it. “I would rather my two roommates die than loose my stockpile. It is my life now.”

Local man can’t complain about being objectified; Shouldn’t dress like such a skank

By Louis Lobron
Pittsburgh man David McIlhenny is sick and tired of this shit. “Everyday I just get up in the morning and try to dress in a way that makes me feel good. I look good, I feel good. What’s so wrong with that?” McIlhenny told us, after sources confirmed that “no, he just dresses like a complete skank.”

“I don’t care what people say, I will wear what I want, it shouldn’t say anything about me as a person”, He commented additionally. When asked what she thought about McIlhenny cavorting around in provocative skinny jeans and a deep v-neck shirt that leaves almost nothing to the imagination, local woman Lindsay Jordan had this to say; “That guy has a lot of nerve. If he’s gonna go out in public like that, of course I’m gonna stare, maybe cat-call a little. He has no right to go around like that and think nobody will ogle his fine self”. When we asked David whether perhaps he dresses like such a harlot to compensate for a lingering, bitter insecurity about his self-image, he responded that “No, I just think this is a cool shirt. Got it for a great deal too.”

When reached for comment, McIlhenny’s mother expressed her disappointment.  “It’s such a shame, he was a sweet, innocent little boy. I’m worried that he is just asking for someone to take advantage of him.”

“People just don’t understand” McIlhenny further stated, very sluttily. “I shouldn’t have to cover every inch of my skin to avoid getting everybody all riled up.”

At press time, Mr. McIlhenny added that “at least nobody judges me for having these sick shades so I can check out the ladies without them knowing.”

Smells Around Campus: Pitt

By Holly Stavarski

Each place in the world has a unique scent. Here at The Pittiful News, resident sniffer Holly Stavarski has walked around campus with nose wide open to capture the familiar scents of education and desperation that exist in the academic buildings of the University of Pittsburgh.

1. Bellefield – Dusty ballerinas 

2. Benedum – Burnt bagels and sweaty nerds
3. Cathedral – Musty books and the hot breath of someone walking up three flights of stairs 
4. Chevron – Ammonia and a moldy terrarium
5. David Lawrence – Wood chips and 200 spilled Naked Juices
6. Hillman – Stale Cheetos, cheap alcohol, and warm paper
7. Posvar – Asbestos and Panoptic powers of social control
8. Scaife – Sickly clean hospital and stress farts
9. Sennott –  Panera Bread and awkward tinder dates
10. Towers Lobby – Britney Spear’s Fantasy, Axe, and regret
11. Trees – Chlorine, Sweat, and a wrestler’s vomit
12.Victoria – New Lululemon yoga pants and Starbucks coffee

13. WPU – Fried chicken and petty Student Government scandals

Students Can Finally Breathe After Being Smothered By Parents Over Winter Break

By Holly Stavarski

For most students, winter break means a welcome reprise from the ever-accumulating schoolwork in which college students hope abandon all responsibility and kick back and relax. Unfortunately, this is hard to do when going home for the holidays. Students returning to the University of Pittsburgh are reporting that their trip home was less like a break and more of a reminder of why they went to school hours away.

“I’m finally able to breathe,” said freshman Oliver Malcolm. “As soon as I got home, my parents jumped down my throat and started nagging me.”

Malcolm, who wanted to spend his break playing video games and catching up with his friends, was forced to do meaningless tasks and be accountable for his actions.

“I couldn’t go anywhere without being asked a battery of questions,” whined Malcolm. “ ‘Where are you going? Who are you going with? What are you doing there?’ The devil and I are going to the woods to murder virgins again. Chill, Mom.”

Ashley Bronstein, University of Pittsburgh junior, had a similar ordeal with her parents. “I honestly felt like I was being suffocated,” reported Bronstein, “I am pretty used to my parent’s need to be up my ass every second, but I couldn’t ignore it when they came into my room in the middle of the night and hover over the side of my bed with a pillow in hand.”
Bronstein, who was unnerved by her parent’s possible homicidal feelings, has never been happier to come back to school.

“I usually love going home and having unlimited access to free food, but I would rather starve and have the freedom that I have at Pitt.”