Real-life Monster Lurks Around Pitt Campus

By Hannah Lynn

Last Monday started out like any other for sophomore Stanley Hudson until he saw a shadow lurking in the corner of the Cathedral basement. “I didn’t know what it was,” Hudson said. “I went to follow it down the hall because it didn’t look human, but when I turned the corner all I saw was a tail disappearing through the door.”

Earlier this year, upon the arrival of the new chancellor Patrick Gallagher, The Pittiful News reported the 100% true story that Mr. Gallagher is in fact a lizard person. What Hudson saw was not a lizard, not a man, but THE GALLAGATOR.

Several students have reported strange sightings like Hudson’s, but have brushed them off as casual hallucinations. However, their eyes are not playing tricks on them; the Gallagator is the truth.

When asked if the University of Pittsburgh Chancellor was actually a lizard man living in the basement of the Cathedral of Learning basement, an old man on the street hissed and spat onto the pavement.

Though halloween has passed, be wary of any mysterious shadows or figures. It could be nothing. It could be your mom. Or it just might be…the Gallagator.

PTO President Sends Threats via Edible Arrangements

By Sharon George

Candice Goldman, 35, of Appleton, Wisconsin has recently been charged with sending threatening Edible Arrangements to fellow PTO members. In a statement released today Goldman says, “I wasn’t threatening them, god no I would never! It’s just that I feel like Laura, my daughter– she’s actually talking all AP classes this year on top of being the Captain of her dance troupe can you believe it? I feel like we’re the only ones who really get it, and excuse me for wanting to send that message to the other moms in a fun and fruity way”.

Chloe Samuels is one of many victims of Goldman’s Edible Intimidation. In September Samuels was in charge of the snack table during Velma Barefield Elementary’s 5th grade recital. The next day she received a smashed basket of chocolate strawberries with the message “maybe next time try selling actual food instead of your usual bullshit, you stupid cunt”.

Jessica Smith, a fellow PTO mom, opened up about her experience. “It happened right after my daughter Jane had a few friends over. It was just girls having fun in the basement, and in my house we don’t believe in channel restrictions. My husband and I believe in free media, and we let the kids buy whatever On Demand. I guess that was too much for Candice because the next day I got a delivery. It was an Edible Arrangement with a knife stuck in the cantaloupe and a note that said “I’m the cool mom, got it Jess?”

Communications Professor Bans Phrase, “I was gonna say”; Blows Minds

By Mike Citrola

“They’re all dead,” said Dr. Vanessa Meade, professor at Pitt’s Communications department, about her twenty students whose heads exploded.

Meade’s Rhetorical Process class last Wednesday started like any other, but everything changed when she asked the students to simply stop using the phrase “I was gonna say” before their comments in class discussions. “Too many students rely on that phrase to introduce their participatory statements,” Meade recounted. “I never understood that. They raise their hands and, when I call on them, they go, ‘well, I was gonna say,’ and then their idea. Where’s the logic in that? This is literally your first opportunity to say that idea. When else were you going to say it, before I asked the question? You weren’t going to say it; you are about to say it. So I told them that from then on, no one was allowed to precede their comments with ‘I was gonna say.’”

The class continued as usual, until Meade posed a question to the students. “I asked them about the rhetorical effect of dress on the credibility of a speaker. Simple, but nobody would answer. They just stared at me blankly until their heads turned red and then…exploded.” Without the crutch of “I was gonna say,” the students lost the ability to participate in class discussion and effectively process new information. One by one, their heads burst like popcorn kernels, the classroom like a foil pan of Jiffy-Pop, Meade’s question like the flames of a lit gas stove.

“I urged them, ‘just say what you want to say! You don’t have to say that you were going to say it beforehand! Just say it!’ But they didn’t listen, and now they’re gone.”
When asked about the incident, senior communications major Sarah Flum said, “I was just gonna say that I think this is a total tragedy and I feel really bad for everyone involved.”

Climate Marchers Realize Fossil Fuels are Great

By Lilian Sun

On September 21, 2014, a huge assembly of environmentalists, hippies, and stoners that supported the continuation of life on earth gathered in New York City to encourage the United Nations’ climate change summit to do something, as opposed to their usual agenda of doing nothing. But the peoples’ drive and enthusiasm to stop climate change soon dissolved when they encountered three Caucasian males standing in the middle of the march holding signs and wearing t-shirts that read “I love fossil fuels.”

“It was like, one second I wanted to stop climate change, and the next I was thinking ‘what am I doing here?’,” one confused marcher said. “After those guys gave me their flier I wanted to become a trucker and go on random joy rides cross country while investing in coal mines and tar sands. Actually, that sounds like a really great plan. I think I’m going to do it right now.” As if hypnotized, the marcher stumbled away from the march. People report that they saw the man jump inside a random truck and drive off, but he was instantly stuck in traffic and had to wait several hours to get out of the city.

Approximately 300,000 other marchers experienced similar effects after passing the fossil fuel groupies, and by the end of the Climate March, the chants had changed from “What do we want? Climate justice! When do we want it? Now!” to “I heart fossil fuels” and “I love fossil fuels” and other variations of the same sentence. Some changed the name of the Climate March to the Who-Gives-A-Shit-About-Climate March. Impromptu signs and shirts were made bearing the “I

“ALL HAIL THE OLD GODS,” the marchers chanted, spellbound. “ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY DINOS.” They exhaled with greater vigor, hoping to create more carbon dioxide in the atmosphere. A few passed out from exhaling too long. The other marchers continued, stepping on the fallen as if they weren’t there.

The police, aghast and afraid, did not move or speak. It almost seemed as though they couldn’t move or speak.

The volunteers stationed at the end of the Climate March cried or screamed when they saw how the march had devolved into a cult worshipping fossil fuels. But when the three Caucasian men, the new leaders of the march, passed by, the volunteers stopped whatever they were doing and jerkily joined the march. Their eyes, glassed over and drooping, did not blink. Their slack mouths chanted and gaped. Their hands twitched and became stuck in a clawed position, as if trying to become one with their dinosaur overlords. Basically, they looked like all the other marchers.

As the end of the march neared, one by one people began to disappear. It was unnoticeable at first, but by the time the leaders of the march reached the intersection of 11th Avenue and 34th Street, not a single marcher was left. Behind the fossil fuel lovers was a street strewn with signs, shirts, and extremely confused policemen and women. And so the 2014 Climate March came to a mysterious end.

In other news, Pitt students said that on September 21, Dippy the Dinosaur’s eyes glowed red, and a distance roar was heard by anyone within a mile radius of the statue. No other signs of the occult have manifested themselves through Dippy since then.

Top 10 Most Terrifying Halloween Costumes

By Hannah Lynn

The Pittiful News witnessed some pretty frightening stuff over the weekend. Here are some of the most bone-chilling costumes seen around town. If they were even costumes…

1. The crippling anxiety of an existential crisis
2. Centipede
3. Blue Steel brothers from “Breaking Bad”
4. Bruce Jenner’s “face”
5. Yourself on the first day of high school
6. Robin Thicke
7. A boom box playing “Let it go” on repeat endlessly
8. Curdled milk
9. Headless Horse
10. Darren Wilson

Convenience of Segway totally worth social stigma, study finds

By John Meyer

A report from Logger Hunks Journal – a monthly publication that reviews foreign policy and local curiosities – found that Segways’ speedy and effortless transportation potential is more than worth the inevitable social consequences of looking like a real goober.

The report compiled its evidence from six social scientists, the beloved rapper Shaggy, and the ghost of Jimi Heselden – the former owner of Segway Inc. who fell off a cliff while riding his electric chariot. According to the report, although Segways can be socially demeaning, the convenience of not exercising and getting somewhere quickly is “definitely worth it.”

Perhaps surprisingly, wearing a helmet actually increased what scientists have named “the cool factor.” According to Dr. Dirk Ross, a social scientist at Pittsburgh University- “Helmets have the effect of telling the public, ‘yes, I care about being places efficiently, but I also want to be safe in the process.’”

The ghost of Mr. Heselden similarly echoed glowing reports of the Segway. “Nowadays all the younglings are whipping around town on their old road bikes. What they need to realize is that the Segway is the future’s answer to America’s transportation crisis.” Heselden’s ghost then added, “oh yeah, boo!”

"The Pittiful News” Uncovers New, Stranger Abe Lincoln/JFK Similarities

For years, historians and even some conspiracy theorists have latched onto a number of similarities between the life stories of Presidents Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy. “The Pittiful News” has been fortunate enough to hold a massive archive of presidential records, some even indicating stranger and more powerful coincidences. Beware, reader, for some facts go from trivial happenings to downright supernatural similarities.

1. Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy; Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln

2. Kennedy drove a Lincoln; Lincoln once said, “If there was a thing that existed called a ‘car.’ Mine would be a Kennedy”

3. If you say “Lincoln” three times in a mirror, John F. Kennedy appears behind you holding a bouquet of rhododendrons

4. Abraham Lincoln went by “John F. Kennedy” in middle school

5. Both enjoyed the warm, delicious Black Angus Steak sandwich from your local Quizno’s

6. If you rearrange the letters in John Fitzgerald Kennedy’s name, you spell “DTHAGLNNOD RFZ YEIKENEJ,” a remarkable abbreviation standing for “Does this ‘Honest Abe’ gargle Listerine? No! No! Old devil really flatulates… Zoinks! You ever ingest ketamine? Easy now… Easy, Jesus.”

7. Neither Lincoln nor Kennedy owned komodo dragons

8. “The Lincoln Lawyer” was originally titled “The Kennedy Attorney Fella”

9. Both had weird sex dreams about Mary Todd

10. Both Lincoln and Kennedy appear on this list

Spooky Story: The Sinister Secret of Pumpkin Spice

By Cassandra DellaCorte

Ah, it’s fall! Beautiful foliage, cool weather, and fun clothes! But there’s a secret darkness lurking. In your coffee, your pies, all manner of sweet edibles- we call it pumpkin spice. Sure, it tastes like a fun, seasonal blend of our favorite squash, cinnamon and nutmeg, but it’s real content is much darker. It’s ground-up shelter cats.

Fun and Flirty Ways to Tell Your Boyfriend That You Ate Your Twin in the Womb

By Sharon George

Get him a nesting doll with a card that reads “same.”

Is he a history buff? Well then he’ll love this culturally significant gift! Historical facts are always a good conversation starter, and he’ll love your story about how you absorbed the corpse of your dead twin.

Make it sexy!

Eating your sibling doesn’t have to sound so drab! Pour some wine, and cheer him up by saying “it’s kind of like a three-way” every time.

Throw a party!

Who said Jager bombs can’t be metaphors?

Make him laugh!

This is a total gotcha moment! Draw the blinds, lock the doors, drop the “Requiem for a Dream” Soundtrack, and get ready for the performance of your life. As soon as you start trembling in your seat, choking back sobs, he’s bound to ask you what’s up! Look into the distance and whisper, “I killed someone”. He’ll be so surprised when he learns that it was completely legal!

14 Secretly Jewish Celebrity Revealed

By Mike Citrola (is Jewish)

The longstanding rumor that Jews control the media has steadily declined over the years, but The Pittiful News recently uncovered new evidence of many A-list celebs faking gentile.
Here is the exclusive list of media elite with their true, chosen names.

  1. Yom Kipportia di Rossi
  2. John Hammantashen
  3. Haftara Reid
  4. Maria Shana Tova
  5. Gary Old-testa-man
  6. Sukkota Fanning
  7. Shmuelle Fanning
  8. Menorah Jones
  9. Dr. Dreidel
  10. Gephilte Collins
  11. Dame Jewdy Mensch
  12. Carlie Rye Jepsen
  13. Jewish Bale
  14. Whoopi Goldberg