New App Helps Avoid Old Classmates

Schmucks to be ducked

Don’t want to run into a high school acquaintance you know just enough to feel obligated to exchange small talk with while home for the break? Tired of ducking behind aisles in stores or looking away on the street upon seeing someone whose goings-on matter even less now because they never have?

“Don’t worry, you rude bastard, they probably feel the same way about you!” exclaimed Garry Snaroomph, inventor of the “Duck that Schmuck” smartphone app that collects location data from your friends’ smartphones and shows you all of their locations on the same map. When the app sees that two people put each other in the Black List, it sends both of them directions to safely avoid even seeing each other.

Snaroomph said that the instant success of his app has proven his hunch. He wasn’t the only one dreading the unexpected snack-aisle pretense of former friendship and present long-distance camaraderie or the curt nods at those he sort of wished to know better but had long since missed the last opportunity to do so.

“Duck that schmuck!” cried out Snaroomph, all giggles and stuff.

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