Patrick Stewart is the Ripper

The legendary Jack the Ripper has finally been identified.  Driven by curiosity, amateur investigator Russell Edwards analyzed DNA samples from the shawl of one of the victims, and mitochondrial DNA led to the connection of the crime with suspect Aaron Kosminski.  Doubting Edwards’ claims, a University of Pittsburgh team conducted their own analysis and discovered a shocking new suspect in the crime – acclaimed actor Sir Patrick Stewart.  

Further analysis was performed on the DNA samples available, and in an even more bizarre turn of events, the victim was also found to be Stewart.  Dr. Notta Fohnii, head of the investigation team, describes a radical new theory – Stewart is not just one person.  “It was already common knowledge that Stewart isimmortal,” she told The Pittiful News, “but finding that he is in more than one body was a major shock.”  Fohnii explains that Stewart seems to be able to split his consciousness and not just inhabit but become more than one body.  While each body is not an exact clone, they all share a specific DNA sequence not found in other humans.  Those people live out very different lives, but all can be identified as Stewart.

Some members of the investigation team, upon arriving at this conclusion, retired from their field of work to form a religious sect dubbed the Patrick’s Gate Cult.  “We believe that we are all servants of The One True Stewart,”said researcher Norman Mivi.  “He blesses the just among us with His many, many legs so that we may join Him in His eternal paradise of weekend Star Trek marathons.”  The members of Patrick’s Gate believe that those who possess his DNA are the true servants of Stewart and will go on to live in happiness after death.  Dr. Fohnii, however, has denounced the cult as “a sham and a disgrace to the man,” stating “to believe there are any higher beings than Stewart himself is blasphemy.”  DNA samples of such celebrities as George W. Bush, Katy Perry, and our own Chancellor Gallagher have been taken; however, due to the time it takes for these tests to provide results, everyone will likely forget about the whole thing again before the results are in.

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