EPA, Obama to American Public: ‘We’ve Run Out of Animal Bloopers’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Troubling. Absolutely troubling. Another global environmental crisis looms on the horizon today as President Obama has stepped forward to notify American citizens the terrible news we all have suspected for quite some time: the world is out of animal bloopers.

Through a joint statement to the press by President Obama and EPA administrator Gina McCarthy, we have learned that: 1) the current rate of consumption of animal bloopers is far too high to be sustainable, 2) legislative action to address the lack of animal bloopers has stalled due to partisan gridlock, and 3) alternative sources for animal bloopers (e.g. watching your neighbor’s dog run into the new screen door, baiting raccoon to drink Four Loko) are underdeveloped and cannot be relied upon to supplement the decline.

President Obama explained, “Yes, I know this news is not ideal… Damn it! Sorry, I need a moment. [Pause] To be honest, it’s something we should have addressed long ago. Research in alternative methods to extract animal bloopers is still brand new. We have some promising experiments and tests that indicate two gerbils rolling down a playground slide could be pretty funny, but we’re just not sure.”

Political analysts on the scene were quick to pounce on the president’s emotional prose, noting that it seemed to be sensationalized rhetoric or mere scare tactics. Former GOP strategist Melvin Tyrell elaborated, “There’s a great deal of fabrication in this speech. We have been assured time and time again by independent scientific research that animals have always been and will always be blooptastic. I mean, for God’s sake, there’s no way elephants will ever stop flinging their poop around with their tails on passers by. This is just typical big government trying to convince us that Caribbean monkeys don’t get drunk anymore and touch ladies’ butts while cameras are rolling. I won’t have it.”

As 2016 primary campaigns approach, it is difficult to determine how either side of the aisle will take on this new issue. In the meantime, Hillary Clinton has promised to make stump speeches with a wise-cracking parakeet on her shoulder. For continued updates, be sure to check in with The Pittiful News.

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