By Hannah Lynn
In the past few months, the Pitt Campus Police have been cracking down on jaywalking, specifically across Forbes near David Lawrence Hall. Students have been encouraged to use the Skywalk above Forbes as an alternative. “We’re just trying to keep students safe,” said Pitt Police Officer Jack Wells. “I know these kids want to get to class as quick as possible, but it’s not worth risking their lives.”
What Wells, along with the rest of the police force, fail to realize is that Pitt students actively do not give a shit. According to Sophomore Charlie Evans, he and other students will continue to jaywalk, regardless of the risk. “I just want to get to class in as little time as possible, but if get hit by a car, that’s just an added bonus,” he said. While Evans’ response might be shocking to some adults, it is a common sentiment among his fellow youths. Junior Elsa Larson has similar feelings about the illegal street crossing. “My main motivation for going to class is that there’s the possibility I might get hit by a car on the way there,” she said.
This sentiment, common among college students across the country, is typically brought on by an overwhelming sense of existential dread. “I was on my way to an Econ lecture the other day and I was trying to figure out how to write a 10 page paper on ‘Moby Dick’ while also listening to my mom on the phone nag me about summer internship applications and I just thought ‘wouldn’t it be great if a Sodexo truck came barreling down Forbes and brought me sweet relief’,” Evans said.
The Pitt Police department was shocked to hear about this and expressed concern for the mental health of the student population. “Look, it has nothing to do with mental health,” said Larson. “It simply has to do with the world being horrible and everyone being stupid and my overwhelming and uncertain future.”
Pitt Police says it will continue to fine students to jaywalking, even if it does add to their already weighty financial burden.
Have you ever dreamt that you were stranded in the middle of an ocean with no land to be seen on a boat by yourself? Then you have had the Stranded On A Boat In The Middle Of The Ocean Dream. This dream is common to everyone! It does not discriminate. Even if you haven’t been to the ocean before, you at least know what it looks like and your subconscious will play with it. The dream is often coupled with intense fear, heavy breathing, and violent middle of the night arm flailing. Subjects wake up on the floor (out of the boat) breathing heavily and sweating profusely. These dreams are not to be taken lightly. But what do these dreams mean? They simply mean that the ocean is a fucking terrifying place and you should never go to it again. This is less of a meaning, and more of a warning. Your subconscious is trying to tell you that it did not enjoy that one time you went to the shores of New Jersey and found a medical needle. It also did not appreciate that one time you were on the beach in Key West and you could see the oil floating on top of the ocean surface. Your subconscious is not down with trips to South Africa to videotape sharks for yet another documentary about the most terrifying creature in the world (besides the spider I found in my house last night). So give it a break. Stay inland. Fuck the ocean. You know what lives in the ocean? That scary ass Angler Fish lives there. Know how you get to the Angler Fish? You don’t see it while snorkeling, you must got into the depth after you fall off that stupid boat you were hanging out on. Land for life.
Artists dream of an opportunity to perform at the illustrious Carnegie Hall, but after learning that his mom and dad planned to bring him along to a Boston Symphony event in the renowned auditorium, local baby, Ian Wilt, knew all of his vocal training was building to this one evening. When asked what kind of repertoire he had prepared, Ian noted “Now, I don’t want to provide too many spoilers, but I can say this: that when the stage is quietest in between movements of Schubert’s divine ‘Unfinished Symphony,’ I promise to fill the venue with blubbering that hits the audience so hard, some will be moved to weeping themselves.”
Such a tease to his fans, but such a master of his vocal creations, Ian Wilt scoffed at critics who claim that his crying is derivative – a hodgepodge of half-baked whimpering stolen from the likes of toddler virtuoso and frequent church sermon interrupter, T.J. Redgewick, and avant-garde sniffle-crier known only by his stage name, “Snot Joplin.” Wilt addressed critical slams, “Look, you can either try to fit my whimsical wailing into some creative jail cell, or you can respect me as an artist and trust in my ability to navigate a sea of consummate criers with my own unique voice. I’m sick of hearing these comparisons. We all know Snot Joplin hasn’t done a damn thing since breaking the silence at the junior league golf tournament and I hear he took that gig just so he could look at the shiny golf clubs. Have I been tempted by shiny things? You bet. Have I been offered by agents to perform at back-water clubs in exchange for getting to play with a glossy roll of aluminum foil? Of course, but you do not sell out like that.”
During the interview, Wilt was determined to separate himself from the mainstream crying crowd and paid no mind to the lengths he must crawl in order to break out in a league of his own. “You think shushing scares me? I’ve taken heckles like that. A bunch of adults in front of me think the crap that gets played in concert halls is better than me screaming because I dropped by binky all while slobbering on my mom’s shoulder like a professional should. I’m giving them a free, skilled performance and they need to respect my artistic voice.”
Despite the frustration Ian Wilt wrestles with even today in dealing with so many ignorant audience members unaware of his creative merit, Ian did let on a bit more about what we all can expect from his Carnegie performance. In a last minute statement, Ian revealed “Get ready for an encore of several sniffles and an adorable sneeze followed by another round of harsh wailing because that sneeze was loud and scary.”