Tautology Horoscopes

Aries (March 21 –April 19)
Your skin is pale from the lack of sun of you have not been out in the sun. When you go out into the sun, your skin will slowly darken or burn.

 Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
If you are a man or a woman, you are powerful and in charge. You are able to walk any way you choose, most likely in shoes.

 Gemini (May 21—June 20)
A luminous light is shining your way. This may or may not be your time to shine. This month will consist of many days. Make yourself your priority.

 Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
If you plant a seed, a tree may or may not grow. It depends on how you planted it.

 Leo (July 23 – August 22)
If it is strong enough, the wind will blow through your hair, unless you are bald, then it will breeze over your head. Which one will you choose?

 Virgo (August 23 – Sept. 22)
You can take the road less traveled or the road mostly traveled, either way, you are taking a road and must decide.

 Libra (Sept. 23 – October 22)
Your phone will ring today if someone calls. If you answer, you will interact with another voice, if you don’t they have the option to leave a voicemail.

 Scorpio (October 23 – Nov. 21)
You can do anything a standing building can do. You can either stand or not stand.

 Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
You should eat more applesauce. Or drink more of the apple’s juice.

 Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Singing a song will create music. Open your ears and you will hear things.

 Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
There are stars in the sky, just like there are people on the land. Make sure you have moments in your day.

 Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

The river is always running unless it is dried up. When the river is dried up, there is no water. When there is no water, is it a river? You can think about this.

Students Continue to Jaywalk in Hopes of Getting Hit By a Car

By Hannah Lynn
In the past few months, the Pitt Campus Police have been cracking down on jaywalking, specifically across Forbes near David Lawrence Hall. Students have been encouraged to use the Skywalk above Forbes as an alternative. “We’re just trying to keep students safe,” said Pitt Police Officer Jack Wells. “I know these kids want to get to class as quick as possible, but it’s not worth risking their lives.”

What Wells, along with the rest of the police force, fail to realize is that Pitt students actively do not give a shit. According to Sophomore Charlie Evans, he and other students will continue to jaywalk, regardless of the risk. “I just want to get to class in as little time as possible, but if get hit by a car, that’s just an added bonus,” he said. While Evans’ response might be shocking to some adults, it is a common sentiment among his fellow youths. Junior Elsa Larson has similar feelings about the illegal street crossing. “My main motivation for going to class is that there’s the possibility I might get hit by a car on the way there,” she said.

This sentiment, common among college students across the country, is typically brought on by an overwhelming sense of existential dread. “I was on my way to an Econ lecture the other day and I was trying to figure out how to write a 10 page paper on ‘Moby Dick’ while also listening to my mom on the phone nag me about summer internship applications and I just thought ‘wouldn’t it be great if a Sodexo truck came barreling down Forbes and brought me sweet relief’,” Evans said.

The Pitt Police department was shocked to hear about this and expressed concern for the mental health of the student population. “Look, it has nothing to do with mental health,” said Larson. “It simply has to do with the world being horrible and everyone being stupid and my overwhelming and uncertain future.”

Pitt Police says it will continue to fine students to jaywalking, even if it does add to their already weighty financial burden.

Pittsburgh University Releases New Dream Interpretations

Researchers at Pittsburgh University released a comprehensive list of dream interpretations to aid non-experts in their subconscious understanding.
The research team led by Professor Claire N. Porring MA, MBA, MA, PhD, PhD, have been working for three years and studying many participants in order to better understand what is going on when our eyelids are shut.
The research team has made three interpretations available for the public, but the rest you can only access if you are also a scholar and can afford those expensive scholarly journal articles, or if you have the desire to wait four months until it is released in the nearest Barnes and Noble to you.
The Pittiful News has secured the three interpretations and presents them to you below:

The Losing Teeth Dream
75% of the subjects under study have confessed to having dreams where they lose some or all of their teeth in a very painless way. These dreams often freak the subjects out, causing them to schedule dentist appointments the next day. The subject are taking this dream too literally, they need to think deeper into the meaning. Dreams with tooth loss represent your feelings of loneliness. Normally when you have missing teeth dreams, you are in a time of your life where no one really wants to hang out with you, including your teeth. In these dreams, your teeth are falling out because they just don’t think you are that cool. Some subjects who had this dream have reported dreams where fingers and toes fall off next. This study cannot prove Losing Teeth Dreams represent loneliness, they can also be your subconscious telling you that you need to floss more often and visit a dentist. Call Dr. Clair N. Porring DDS at  (412) 456-7567 to schedule an appointment. If you mention this study, your free toothbrush and floss will be free at no-cost, just take them and stop being such a downer!
Running But Not Able To Move Dream
This is the second most common dream found amongst our study group. The dream consists of a reason to run away from something and the increasing difficulty in order to run. The difficulty could be from a pulling back feeling, jelly legs, or the lack of legs. All three scenarios and other point to the same conclusion: you need to do more handstands. It is possible for a person to walk on their hands, and guess what, you are not one of those people. Your lack of ability to run is hinting at your desire to do more activities with your hands and arms, not your feet and legs. Give the other extremities a little more love. Our research team is sure that if you do one handstand a day, the frequency of the Running But Not Able To Move Dream will decrease to ZERO! Based on our research, we found that the subject who could do a hand stand did not ever have the Running But Not Able To Move Dream. Be more like them, do a handstand today, you lanky weirdo.
Stranded On A Boat In The Middle Of The Ocean Dream

Have you ever dreamt that you were stranded in the middle of an ocean with no land to be seen on a boat by yourself? Then you have had the Stranded On A Boat In The Middle Of The Ocean Dream. This dream is common to everyone! It does not discriminate. Even if you haven’t been to the ocean before, you at least know what it looks like and your subconscious will play with it. The dream is often coupled with intense fear, heavy breathing, and violent middle of the night arm flailing. Subjects wake up on the floor (out of the boat) breathing heavily and sweating profusely. These dreams are not to be taken lightly. But what do these dreams mean? They simply mean that the ocean is a fucking terrifying place and you should never go to it again. This is less of a meaning, and more of a warning. Your subconscious is trying to tell you that it did not enjoy that one time you went to the shores of New Jersey and found a medical needle. It also did not appreciate that one time you were on the beach in Key West and you could see the oil floating on top of the ocean surface. Your subconscious is not down with trips to South Africa to videotape sharks for yet another documentary about the most terrifying creature in the world (besides the spider I found in my house last night). So give it a break. Stay inland. Fuck the ocean. You know what lives in the ocean? That scary ass Angler Fish lives there. Know how you get to the Angler Fish? You don’t see it while snorkeling, you must got into the depth after you fall off that stupid boat you were hanging out on. Land for life.

Artist on the Rise: Crying Baby in Audience Absolutely Thrilled to Play Carnegie Hall

Artists dream of an opportunity to perform at the illustrious Carnegie Hall, but after learning that his mom and dad planned to bring him along to a Boston Symphony event in the renowned auditorium, local baby, Ian Wilt, knew all of his vocal training was building to this one evening. When asked what kind of repertoire he had prepared, Ian noted “Now, I don’t want to provide too many spoilers, but I can say this: that when the stage is quietest in between movements of Schubert’s divine ‘Unfinished Symphony,’ I promise to fill the venue with blubbering that hits the audience so hard, some will be moved to weeping themselves.”

Such a tease to his fans, but such a master of his vocal creations, Ian Wilt scoffed at critics who claim that his crying is derivative – a hodgepodge of half-baked whimpering stolen from the likes of toddler virtuoso and frequent church sermon interrupter, T.J. Redgewick, and avant-garde sniffle-crier known only by his stage name, “Snot Joplin.” Wilt addressed critical slams, “Look, you can either try to fit my whimsical wailing into some creative jail cell, or you can respect me as an artist and trust in my ability to navigate a sea of consummate criers with my own unique voice. I’m sick of hearing these comparisons. We all know Snot Joplin hasn’t done a damn thing since breaking the silence at the junior league golf tournament and I hear he took that gig just so he could look at the shiny golf clubs. Have I been tempted by shiny things? You bet. Have I been offered by agents to perform at back-water clubs in exchange for getting to play with a glossy roll of aluminum foil? Of course, but you do not sell out like that.”

During the interview, Wilt was determined to separate himself from the mainstream crying crowd and paid no mind to the lengths he must crawl in order to break out in a league of his own. “You think shushing scares me? I’ve taken heckles like that. A bunch of adults in front of me think the crap that gets played in concert halls is better than me screaming because I dropped by binky all while slobbering on my mom’s shoulder like a professional should. I’m giving them a free, skilled performance and they need to respect my artistic voice.”

Despite the frustration Ian Wilt wrestles with even today in dealing with so many ignorant audience members unaware of his creative merit, Ian did let on a bit more about what we all can expect from his Carnegie performance. In a last minute statement, Ian revealed “Get ready for an encore of several sniffles and an adorable sneeze followed by another round of harsh wailing because that sneeze was loud and scary.”