Survey Reveals 1.8% of the Workforce Abandoned Jobs Last Year, Top 10 Reasons Why

10)          Boss calls me “Greg” when I’d rather be called “Great Samnazi of the Aqua Emblem” … .03%

9)            The Other Morticians Don’t Like It When I Paint the Bodies’ Toenails … .05%

8)            Coworkers Smile at Me after I Trip Acid and Their Toothy Grins Look Like Tongue Prisons … .1%

7)            Payroll Kept Giving Me Green Pictures of Deceased American Leaders and I Was Like “Stop! I Asked to Be Paid in Rhodium and Gasoline” But They Wouldn’t Listen… 3.82%

6)            Nobody Else Celebrated “Take Your Real Girl Doll to Work Day”… 5%

5)            My Booty Didn’t Look Bodacious Enough in Khakis … 9%

4)            Just Wanted a Reason to Slam a Door and Storm out of a Building … 15%

3)            Two Gophers Outside My Window Reminded Me of Life’s Vast Incompleteness When Confined to a Cubicle and When Forced to Resign an Otherwise Fruitful Life to the Unfeeling Coldness of the American Workforce … 19%

2)            Accidentally Hibernated through a Fiscal Quarter and Just Thought “Screw It”… 23%

1)            I Keep Getting Blamed for all the Arson… 25%