Survey Reveals 1.8% of the Workforce Abandoned Jobs Last Year, Top 10 Reasons Why

10)          Boss calls me “Greg” when I’d rather be called “Great Samnazi of the Aqua Emblem” … .03%
9)            The Other Morticians Don’t Like It When I Paint the Bodies’ Toenails … .05%
8)            Coworkers Smile at Me after I Trip Acid and Their Toothy Grins Look Like Tongue Prisons … .1%
7)            Payroll Kept Giving Me Green Pictures of Deceased American Leaders and I Was Like “Stop! I Asked to Be Paid in Rhodium and Gasoline” But They Wouldn’t Listen… 3.82%
6)            Nobody Else Celebrated “Take Your Real Girl Doll to Work Day”… 5%
5)            My Booty Didn’t Look Bodacious Enough in Khakis … 9%
4)            Just Wanted a Reason to Slam a Door and Storm out of a Building … 15%
3)            Two Gophers Outside My Window Reminded Me of Life’s Vast Incompleteness When Confined to a Cubicle and When Forced to Resign an Otherwise Fruitful Life to the Unfeeling Coldness of the American Workforce … 19%
2)            Accidentally Hibernated through a Fiscal Quarter and Just Thought “Screw It”… 23%

1)            I Keep Getting Blamed for all the Arson… 25%

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